It is a little hard for me to believe it has been two months since I posted.
Some has been because I was busy and all was well.
Some has been because I wasn't busy and I wasn't well.
Lots has been floating around my head, I just haven't had the energy to share.
I found a list "you'll be okay" playlist.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8b/2b/fd/8b2bfdb8a38c4e91c14e3783d233fca4.jpg
I figured that I wouldn't like all the songs, I didn't, but it couldn't hurt. I did like most of them and made a playlist. One song really resonated. Flares by the Script
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OojKI0DpodU
I was in a pretty bad place when I found this song. There was someone in my life who I considered a Flare. He brought hope, light, life, and laughter to me. He made me want to open my heart, and believe in a future. And then he was gone and all I could see was darkness. I felt like there was still a sting in my eyes from the brilliance of the flare and now I was blinded. It hurt. I felt even more broken than before.
Then I started looking around my life.
My kids (the ones I gave birth to) are certainly flares. They amaze me, love me, and try to keep me straight.
My Punk, my girl child God gave me in a different way, has brought light and laughter to my heart and life for years. Now she's given me my first grandchild.
My kids at church are bright and frequent flares. They teach me so much more than I teach them. Their hugs and screams of Momma Iris brighten my heart and day.
My school kids give me a reason to get up and drag myself to work everyday.
God has been shooting flares all along. They never go away.
Yes they are brief. Yes they go out and leave darkness. Yes they light the path and give me direction.
I can focus on the darkness or I can focus on the light.
On the good days I see the light.
On the bad days I wallow in the darkness.
Today is mediocre. I sit in the darkness and see the light.
Oh, and the first flare. My Cadmus. He is back. He is unwell. Distance makes it hard. However, when I push he gives me space, and when I let him back in, he always comes back. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm grateful to have him when I do.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
One foot in front of the other.
Momma came tonight. I'm pretty sure it's sad that I dread her visits. So does my sister.
I was thinking about her coming and thought I have to text my friend and let him know we can't talk because my mother requires a lot of attention.
Crap.
That's exactly how I am. I require a LOT of attention. It's scary how much. I try to keep it under wraps but I know.
When I freak out because not many people read this post.
Or I don't have likes on my Facebook or Instagram posts.
Or I can see you have been on the messaging app but you haven't looked at or answered my message.
I am just like my mother.
Crap.
She makes sure you know she's hurting or if she's done something for you.
I try not to to do that buy I know I do.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want my kids to dread visiting me. Or worry about leaving their kids with me. I want to be better. Well, better than her.
At this point I have no interest in getting better.
If I had a heart attack tomorrow that would be just fine with me.
To top it off I'm tired.
So very, extremely, beyond tired.
And I don't know why.
Is it because my period is about to start?
Or because last week was so stressful?
Maybe because I started last week by going 40 hours without sleep.
Possibly simply because I'm depressed.
Then there's a chance it is a combination of them all.
I don't know. I just know that I am beyond bone tired.
I wonder what would happen if life threw me some true curve balls?
Like real tragedy?
I think I would let them hit me and then curl up in a ball.
I just don't have the strength to make the effort to survive.
I truly believe God knows that and that's why they don't come my way.
I'm so close to laying down and giving up and He knows that would push me over the edge.
Instead I keep plodding. One foot in front of the other. Still riding this ride I hate.
I was thinking about her coming and thought I have to text my friend and let him know we can't talk because my mother requires a lot of attention.
Crap.
That's exactly how I am. I require a LOT of attention. It's scary how much. I try to keep it under wraps but I know.
When I freak out because not many people read this post.
Or I don't have likes on my Facebook or Instagram posts.
Or I can see you have been on the messaging app but you haven't looked at or answered my message.
I am just like my mother.
Crap.
She makes sure you know she's hurting or if she's done something for you.
I try not to to do that buy I know I do.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want my kids to dread visiting me. Or worry about leaving their kids with me. I want to be better. Well, better than her.
At this point I have no interest in getting better.
If I had a heart attack tomorrow that would be just fine with me.
To top it off I'm tired.
So very, extremely, beyond tired.
And I don't know why.
Is it because my period is about to start?
Or because last week was so stressful?
Maybe because I started last week by going 40 hours without sleep.
Possibly simply because I'm depressed.
Then there's a chance it is a combination of them all.
I don't know. I just know that I am beyond bone tired.
I wonder what would happen if life threw me some true curve balls?
Like real tragedy?
I think I would let them hit me and then curl up in a ball.
I just don't have the strength to make the effort to survive.
I truly believe God knows that and that's why they don't come my way.
I'm so close to laying down and giving up and He knows that would push me over the edge.
Instead I keep plodding. One foot in front of the other. Still riding this ride I hate.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
You're okay, until you're not
Been pretty quiet here. There are a number of reasons for that.
1) I was doing okay. Not great or perfect or anything. But pretty even keeled.
2) Life happens and it has been pretty busy
The it happened. Cadmus went there. Again. There is no point in going there. He said he didn't know what to do. I said stop talking. He said that wasn't an option.
Barely 24 hours later it happened.
One message sent.
No answer.
Second message sent.
No answer.
Third sent.
No Answer.
So I let it be. Tried to pretend I didn't care.
I was busy and exhausted on day two. Literally fell into bed when I walked in the house.
Day three I had nothing to do. I brooded. I struggled. Finally I sent a final message with the exact same message in an email. The gist was in 24 hours I'm deleting you from the app.
I didn't actually wait 24 hours. On the app you can see when a person connects and whether or not they have read your messages. I could see he had been on and had not read my messages.
I deleted him from the app.
I deleted the folder that had our messages from my email.
I deleted the folder we shared in dropbox.
And then I cried.
And I cried.
I had to pack to go on a trip the next day, and go shopping for some things I needed. It was so hard to function normally.
I was finally packed and ready to go a little after 11. I went to bed.
And cried.
I got up read, tried to relax. I went back to bed.
It physically hurt to try to lay there.
I cried.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I was leaving the next day for a week long construction mission trip.
It was a five hour drive, and I was driving.
I couldn't change the departure time. I honestly don't think that would have mattered. I was no where near sleep at any point.
So I hurt.
I would think of things to tell him.
Or that he would worry that I wasn't sleeping. Or eating right. Or working too hard.
And it hurt.
Every time I got an email I jumped.
Every. Single. Time.
So after a full seven days I sent an email. I told him exactly how messed up I was and it was his fault.
And he answered. Said he was in the hospital, again, and the person that took him had his phone, that was who had been his app, and he was so sorry. I was incapable of dealing with him at that time and told him so. He said it was late and he would message me soon.
Evidently my definition of soon and his don't live on the same planet because it has been 48 hours.
Here's the thing.
It's okay to need someone. Not in a love relationship way necessarily though certainly that is okay too, but just for support.
You just have to be careful who you choose.
It is also not weak to admit to yourself that you need someone or care about them.
It. Is. OKAY!
That said, I'm still not okay.
Let me rephrase that.
I'm more not okay than normal, because I am never okay.
And to steal a line from Icon for Hire, I'm not alright and for night that's alright.
It has to be because its the best I've got.
Be careful who you trust your pieces with when you don't have any to spare.
1) I was doing okay. Not great or perfect or anything. But pretty even keeled.
2) Life happens and it has been pretty busy
The it happened. Cadmus went there. Again. There is no point in going there. He said he didn't know what to do. I said stop talking. He said that wasn't an option.
Barely 24 hours later it happened.
One message sent.
No answer.
Second message sent.
No answer.
Third sent.
No Answer.
So I let it be. Tried to pretend I didn't care.
I was busy and exhausted on day two. Literally fell into bed when I walked in the house.
Day three I had nothing to do. I brooded. I struggled. Finally I sent a final message with the exact same message in an email. The gist was in 24 hours I'm deleting you from the app.
I didn't actually wait 24 hours. On the app you can see when a person connects and whether or not they have read your messages. I could see he had been on and had not read my messages.
I deleted him from the app.
I deleted the folder that had our messages from my email.
I deleted the folder we shared in dropbox.
And then I cried.
And I cried.
I had to pack to go on a trip the next day, and go shopping for some things I needed. It was so hard to function normally.
I was finally packed and ready to go a little after 11. I went to bed.
And cried.
I got up read, tried to relax. I went back to bed.
It physically hurt to try to lay there.
I cried.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I was leaving the next day for a week long construction mission trip.
It was a five hour drive, and I was driving.
I couldn't change the departure time. I honestly don't think that would have mattered. I was no where near sleep at any point.
So I hurt.
I would think of things to tell him.
Or that he would worry that I wasn't sleeping. Or eating right. Or working too hard.
And it hurt.
Every time I got an email I jumped.
Every. Single. Time.
So after a full seven days I sent an email. I told him exactly how messed up I was and it was his fault.
And he answered. Said he was in the hospital, again, and the person that took him had his phone, that was who had been his app, and he was so sorry. I was incapable of dealing with him at that time and told him so. He said it was late and he would message me soon.
Evidently my definition of soon and his don't live on the same planet because it has been 48 hours.
Here's the thing.
It's okay to need someone. Not in a love relationship way necessarily though certainly that is okay too, but just for support.
You just have to be careful who you choose.
It is also not weak to admit to yourself that you need someone or care about them.
It. Is. OKAY!
That said, I'm still not okay.
Let me rephrase that.
I'm more not okay than normal, because I am never okay.
And to steal a line from Icon for Hire, I'm not alright and for night that's alright.
It has to be because its the best I've got.
Be careful who you trust your pieces with when you don't have any to spare.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Sleep Deprivation
What does a person suffering from depression need most?
I mean other than a cure all drug of course.
Sleep. Escape.
It is completely messed up that one of the side effects of depression is insomnia.
I'm doing good to get four hours lately.
Whether I can't go to sleep or I go to sleep and wake up insanely early.
Or both.
I'm running on four hours. I could probably go back to sleep, now, except I can't.
The alarm has already gone off and I have somewhere to be this morning.
I HATE this.
I hate being me.
I hate that it literally hurts to breathe.
Like it physically hurts.
It cracks me up when I can't tell if I can't breathe because of allergies or depression.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference.
It hurts to function.
To be alive.
And that just sucks.
There aren't any options.
At least no good ones.
Keep riding this stupid ride.
In circles.
Not sleeping.
Eating crap.
Suffering.
Until.....
I mean other than a cure all drug of course.
Sleep. Escape.
It is completely messed up that one of the side effects of depression is insomnia.
I'm doing good to get four hours lately.
Whether I can't go to sleep or I go to sleep and wake up insanely early.
Or both.
I'm running on four hours. I could probably go back to sleep, now, except I can't.
The alarm has already gone off and I have somewhere to be this morning.
I HATE this.
I hate being me.
I hate that it literally hurts to breathe.
Like it physically hurts.
It cracks me up when I can't tell if I can't breathe because of allergies or depression.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference.
It hurts to function.
To be alive.
And that just sucks.
There aren't any options.
At least no good ones.
Keep riding this stupid ride.
In circles.
Not sleeping.
Eating crap.
Suffering.
Until.....
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Healing in the darkness
I'm in an okay place.
At the same time, I think maybe I am numb.
Cadmus disappeared for a little over 24 hours.
I cared, but at the same time I didn't. I like him, sure, but I like PapaK, and Styx just as much.
This is why I don't let people in.
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel. I don't feel. Letting you in is dangerous because I can put on a good show, but do I ever really feel anything?
Sometimes I don't think so.
I can act happy.
I can act like I care.
But do I really.
I honestly don't think so.
I think I push them away for their own safety. I act like it's for me.
And then it is for me.
Acting is hard.
Acting is exhausting.
Acting is foolish.
I don't know any other way to be.
So I am poison.
So I hurt you.
So I hurt me.
And then I'm numb.
Is numb good or bad?
At this point I honestly don't know.
No more friends.
No more relationships.
It's just not worth the effort and most days I just don't have it to put in.
I might cry if you walk away.
I might break my heart if you walk away.
But in the end I know that I will be fine.
In the end I know that I will keep going.
There is no choice.
There aren't options.
Don't come.
Don't go.
It doesn't matter.
I'll just keep riding the ride.
Because there is not other option.
Let the black hole win.
At least it is comfortable there.
Let it suck the hurt, the pain, the good, the bad, all of it. It is indifferent.
Maybe just maybe the black hole is healing.
At the same time, I think maybe I am numb.
Cadmus disappeared for a little over 24 hours.
I cared, but at the same time I didn't. I like him, sure, but I like PapaK, and Styx just as much.
This is why I don't let people in.
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel. I don't feel. Letting you in is dangerous because I can put on a good show, but do I ever really feel anything?
Sometimes I don't think so.
I can act happy.
I can act like I care.
But do I really.
I honestly don't think so.
I think I push them away for their own safety. I act like it's for me.
And then it is for me.
Acting is hard.
Acting is exhausting.
Acting is foolish.
I don't know any other way to be.
So I am poison.
So I hurt you.
So I hurt me.
And then I'm numb.
Is numb good or bad?
At this point I honestly don't know.
No more friends.
No more relationships.
It's just not worth the effort and most days I just don't have it to put in.
I might cry if you walk away.
I might break my heart if you walk away.
But in the end I know that I will be fine.
In the end I know that I will keep going.
There is no choice.
There aren't options.
Don't come.
Don't go.
It doesn't matter.
I'll just keep riding the ride.
Because there is not other option.
Let the black hole win.
At least it is comfortable there.
Let it suck the hurt, the pain, the good, the bad, all of it. It is indifferent.
Maybe just maybe the black hole is healing.
Monday, June 4, 2018
No clue
Been pretty quiet. It's actually kinda been okay.
And then I'm not.
Why am I on this app again?
To make friends.
Surely, surely I can connect over music, right?
I sent my ten cds, that is what the bottle asked.
He sends me his first four. I responded to each. Asked if he listened to mine and then hit delete.
Excuse me. What?
And I'm spiraling again.
So stupid.
So dumb.
Cadmus is there. He is always there.
He refuses to leave me or let me push him away.
I would walk away from everything.
I'd RUN.
Heck. Let's be honest. I'd give up life.
I'm so exhausted from the roller coaster.
There's no hope for better.
We just keep riding this stupid merry-go-round.
No choice.
No fun.
Guess we'll just keep riding.
And then I'm not.
Why am I on this app again?
To make friends.
Surely, surely I can connect over music, right?
I sent my ten cds, that is what the bottle asked.
He sends me his first four. I responded to each. Asked if he listened to mine and then hit delete.
Excuse me. What?
And I'm spiraling again.
So stupid.
So dumb.
Cadmus is there. He is always there.
He refuses to leave me or let me push him away.
I would walk away from everything.
I'd RUN.
Heck. Let's be honest. I'd give up life.
I'm so exhausted from the roller coaster.
There's no hope for better.
We just keep riding this stupid merry-go-round.
No choice.
No fun.
Guess we'll just keep riding.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Cadmus, WHY?
I DID NOT want him to go there. I'd been avoiding going there, but NO he drug us into that relationship discussion that I was so not ready to have.
I like him. A lot. I may be a romantic, but there's a true realist living in this body. There is very little point in loving someone that lives 20 hour flight away half the year, and 1000 plus miles the rest of the year.
He makes me laugh and smile more than anyone I can think of.
He knows the craziest random facts. And shares them. I always imagine with a completely straight face if we are in person. Not sure how you can talk about leprechauns with a straight face but I think he would pull it off.
He worries about my sleep, my eating, and my depression.
When I say I need space, he gives it.
When I push back he lets me, but then asks why.
He knows more intimate details of my depression and my thoughts. It's easy to share online. He never judges. Gives me too much credit. Too much benefit of the doubt.
BUT he is thousands of miles away all year.
We both deserve more than part time, long distance.
Where does that leave us.
Me to worry. Him to sleep. It's 2am there.
I don't know what will happen if I lose him, but I don't know how not too.
Can we stay balanced now that it's out there or will I be broken again.
Remind me again why I started on this app?
Many have come and gone. Out of all I guess four have hurt.
SSM - even when I knew he wasn't real, I wanted him to be.
toy one - Just stopped. No warning. I hit delete. I hit delete because it hurt to see it there.
Corey - I guess I can take the blame there. I again hit delete, and I told him to run. How can I be upset he listened?
Winged tat - that still aches. We were so very good together. Or so I thought. But he hit delete with no warning at all.
Where does that leave me at Cadmus? I honestly don't know.
Terrified. Absolutely terrified. Except I'm not. I'm numb.
Damn it. I am numb.
What does that mean.
That I care?
That I don't?
That it is ALL an act on my part?
God help me. Who else am I going to break?
I'm not well.
I'm not safe.
I'm toxic.
I'm poison.
They SHOuLD all RUN.
Heck, you should run.
Can I run? Oh PLEASE! Can there be some ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!
There isn't for me. Is it fair to drag someone else into the black hole?
Even if they've been warned?
I'm so friggin SCREWED!
I like him. A lot. I may be a romantic, but there's a true realist living in this body. There is very little point in loving someone that lives 20 hour flight away half the year, and 1000 plus miles the rest of the year.
He makes me laugh and smile more than anyone I can think of.
He knows the craziest random facts. And shares them. I always imagine with a completely straight face if we are in person. Not sure how you can talk about leprechauns with a straight face but I think he would pull it off.
He worries about my sleep, my eating, and my depression.
When I say I need space, he gives it.
When I push back he lets me, but then asks why.
He knows more intimate details of my depression and my thoughts. It's easy to share online. He never judges. Gives me too much credit. Too much benefit of the doubt.
BUT he is thousands of miles away all year.
We both deserve more than part time, long distance.
Where does that leave us.
Me to worry. Him to sleep. It's 2am there.
I don't know what will happen if I lose him, but I don't know how not too.
Can we stay balanced now that it's out there or will I be broken again.
Remind me again why I started on this app?
Many have come and gone. Out of all I guess four have hurt.
SSM - even when I knew he wasn't real, I wanted him to be.
toy one - Just stopped. No warning. I hit delete. I hit delete because it hurt to see it there.
Corey - I guess I can take the blame there. I again hit delete, and I told him to run. How can I be upset he listened?
Winged tat - that still aches. We were so very good together. Or so I thought. But he hit delete with no warning at all.
Where does that leave me at Cadmus? I honestly don't know.
Terrified. Absolutely terrified. Except I'm not. I'm numb.
Damn it. I am numb.
What does that mean.
That I care?
That I don't?
That it is ALL an act on my part?
God help me. Who else am I going to break?
I'm not well.
I'm not safe.
I'm toxic.
I'm poison.
They SHOuLD all RUN.
Heck, you should run.
Can I run? Oh PLEASE! Can there be some ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!
There isn't for me. Is it fair to drag someone else into the black hole?
Even if they've been warned?
I'm so friggin SCREWED!
Jesus, Only Jesus
Jesus, Only Jesus
Lyrics
https://www.google.com/search?q=jesus+only+jesus+lyrics&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS776US776&oq=jesus+only+j&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j0l5.9529j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
Video with lyrics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJO969YFXLg
After literally falling to my knees during this song, this is what I wrote in my journal during church yesterday.You stand alone, I stand amazed.
Because of MY sins Jesus cried:
My God, My God why have you forsaken me?
He spent 40 days and 40 nights alone to resist temptation to show that all temptation could be resisted.
During His most trying hour all of His friends ran from Him, abandoned Him, and disowned Him.
Even at my MOST alone. Even in my DARKEST days.
I CAN NEVER
understand what he felt.
Even at my MOST alone. Even in my DARKEST days.
He will NEVER abandon me.
He will NEVER disown me.
and I am NEVER EVER
ALONE!
And yet, somehow it is never enough. It doesn't heal. It doesn't take the darkness, the worry, the sin away. I bowed, I cried, I prayed. I confessed my sins. I know I need to pray more. I should spend more time in the Word. I should discipline myself. Will it help? I'll never know if I never try and I never try. I wallow instead. Do I even really want to get well?
I'm so afraid of who I will be!
Icon for Hire says it so well!
Tell me who I’m supposed to be nowI don't know if I can be saved. I don't know if I truly want to be saved. I don't know if I'm willing to do the work.
Make me better
I can’t stay halfway dead forever
Can you fix this, am I too far gone?
I’ve never done this before
Don’t know if I’m ready but I wanna move on
And I’ve never said that before
I don’t wanna be stuck, I don’t wanna be crazy
This is the way that my sadness made me
Better come quick, yeah better come save me
But yes I'm kinda stuck. Jesus, only Jesus can get me unstuck. Will I trust Him enough to let Him?
Friday, May 25, 2018
And I'm tired again
The fun thing about going from okay to b#tch in zero flat is that you wake up still feeling that way and then when that feeling FINALLY fades you're just tired. No capability to feel good.
Too tired to think.
Too tired to process.
Cadmus is so understanding it is frightening.He takes all the crap I dish out and says, I know you can win. I know you can get better. I'm not going anywhere. We will fight together.
Makes me wish he wasn't several thousand miles away.
Makes me wish I believed in love.
I've never believed in a third chance. I don't know why that would change now.
He makes me smile. And laugh.
One night we spent thirty minutes sending each other Sesame Street videos that were our favorites from childhood.
I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.
He long can he hang on? How long will he be willing to hanging on?
The thought I always know is, I would run away from this if I could. Why wouldn't someone that doesn't have to put up with it run?
Only time will tell where this is going.
Too tired to think.
Too tired to process.
Cadmus is so understanding it is frightening.He takes all the crap I dish out and says, I know you can win. I know you can get better. I'm not going anywhere. We will fight together.
Makes me wish he wasn't several thousand miles away.
Makes me wish I believed in love.
I've never believed in a third chance. I don't know why that would change now.
He makes me smile. And laugh.
One night we spent thirty minutes sending each other Sesame Street videos that were our favorites from childhood.
I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.
He long can he hang on? How long will he be willing to hanging on?
The thought I always know is, I would run away from this if I could. Why wouldn't someone that doesn't have to put up with it run?
Only time will tell where this is going.
Thursday, May 24, 2018
From Okay to B#tch in zero flat
Today was not bad. I actually woke up okay.
That is always shocking.
Work was quiet, and that was expected.
My app was silent. That was not expected.
Got what I needed to get done and prepared to go home.
A friend called to ask me about a text that I honestly had forgotten I sent.
I answered the phone, answered the questions, and then I was pissed.
Do you ever get pissed and in your head go, "What the heck?".
That was me. It was really nothing to be upset about, but I was.
Then it hit me.
I am SO screwed. So extremely screwed.
I've always said I only have two speeds. Gungho or stopped.
I'm the same with my emotions, pretty much. I'm either good, or I'm going to kill you.
Middle ground is extremely hard to find.
I think middle ground is probably extremely necessary.
I have so many issues. So much garbage.
It has taken me 44 years to realize just how screwed up I am.
I just don't know if I'm willing to spend the next 44 fixing it.
I don't have that much energy.
That is always shocking.
Work was quiet, and that was expected.
My app was silent. That was not expected.
Got what I needed to get done and prepared to go home.
A friend called to ask me about a text that I honestly had forgotten I sent.
I answered the phone, answered the questions, and then I was pissed.
Do you ever get pissed and in your head go, "What the heck?".
That was me. It was really nothing to be upset about, but I was.
Then it hit me.
I am SO screwed. So extremely screwed.
I've always said I only have two speeds. Gungho or stopped.
I'm the same with my emotions, pretty much. I'm either good, or I'm going to kill you.
Middle ground is extremely hard to find.
I think middle ground is probably extremely necessary.
I have so many issues. So much garbage.
It has taken me 44 years to realize just how screwed up I am.
I just don't know if I'm willing to spend the next 44 fixing it.
I don't have that much energy.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Pure and simple
Nothing is wrong.
I'm not worried about anything.
Depression didn't even feel that bad today.
But I was EXHAUSTED.
Like so far beyond exhausted that it HURT.
Hurt to be awake.
Hurt to breathe.
Hurt to move.
It just simply hurt to be alive.
And then you just keep going.
People say that those who commit suicide take the easy way out. I'm not saying they are wrong, but they don't understand the daily battle that those people fought to simply get out of bed.
To get dressed.
To walk out of the door.
They can't imagine the act of laying on a shower floor crying because they have to leave the house.
It is truly a struggle just to live. When you really would rather not.
I'm not worried about anything.
Depression didn't even feel that bad today.
But I was EXHAUSTED.
Like so far beyond exhausted that it HURT.
Hurt to be awake.
Hurt to breathe.
Hurt to move.
It just simply hurt to be alive.
And then you just keep going.
People say that those who commit suicide take the easy way out. I'm not saying they are wrong, but they don't understand the daily battle that those people fought to simply get out of bed.
To get dressed.
To walk out of the door.
They can't imagine the act of laying on a shower floor crying because they have to leave the house.
It is truly a struggle just to live. When you really would rather not.
Monday, May 21, 2018
Exhaustion
It makes absolutely no sense to be this tired.
I didn't work that hard today.
My kids weren't that bad today.
But I absolutely exhausted and worn out.
No energy at all.
I think of people that experience fear for a moment.
Of heights. A spider. A clown. Whatever.
It comes, it goes, and they move on.
That's how I feel all the time.
This constant tension.
Constantly being on edge.
Constantly being EXHAUSTED.
It's this feeling like there is a vise around my lungs.
It's a struggle to breathe.
This makes everything else a struggle.
Life is a struggle.
How nice it would be cease struggling.
Not an option.
It sure would be nice.
I didn't work that hard today.
My kids weren't that bad today.
But I absolutely exhausted and worn out.
No energy at all.
I think of people that experience fear for a moment.
Of heights. A spider. A clown. Whatever.
It comes, it goes, and they move on.
That's how I feel all the time.
This constant tension.
Constantly being on edge.
Constantly being EXHAUSTED.
It's this feeling like there is a vise around my lungs.
It's a struggle to breathe.
This makes everything else a struggle.
Life is a struggle.
How nice it would be cease struggling.
Not an option.
It sure would be nice.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Beyond Repair
Winged tat left me. I'm in shock.
He wasn't nice.
I didn't want him to be nice.
We didn't talk about anything personal.
We didn't exchange anything.
But he was so what I needed.
We had so much fun.
We were so GOOD at being BAD together.
And just like that. He hit delete.
No warning. No problems.
Just delete.
How can you be so broken that the mean nasty broken ones don't even want you.
I tried really hard not to care, but I do.
What does that say about me?
He wasn't nice.
I didn't want him to be nice.
We didn't talk about anything personal.
We didn't exchange anything.
But he was so what I needed.
We had so much fun.
We were so GOOD at being BAD together.
And just like that. He hit delete.
No warning. No problems.
Just delete.
How can you be so broken that the mean nasty broken ones don't even want you.
I tried really hard not to care, but I do.
What does that say about me?
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Relationships
I can't even build relationships on an impersonal messaging app without spiraling completely out of control. This so doesn't even make sense.
Cory is gone. I mean he hasn't hit delete but he also hasn't responded. I mean, I did tell him to run. I guess he listened. And that sucks.
Cadmus. Holy heck. At times he seems perfect for me. At times he seems made for me. I ask for space and he easily give it. Of course, that's easy hours and thousands of miles apart.
I was a completely and totally mean to him Thursday night. A few minor things have seemed off. Just, I don't even know. Not answering right away. Which should be okay, but didn't happen before. Asking questions that I think he should know the answer to. A distance that wasn't there before. Things that remind me of ssm and twenty questions. Just little things. Most of the time he's a completely normal guy. He has a life. He's told me about his job, parents, retirement. He talks about things that are happening in the world right now. He's never vague.
Still since I pushed Thursday it's been pretty quiet. He spent yesterday at the hospital with a friend. I have no clue what is going on today. I haven't heard from him. This is the least we've communicated in eleven days we've been talking. I apologized. I felt I should. I was mean for no reason.
I explained what caused the freak out. He apologized for that.
I sit here trying to decide if I care. If I don't. If I'm freaking out or if I'm not.
Shouldn't I know?
Then there's PapaK99. He's a straight mess. We've been chatting. He's married. One of the very first messages was that his wife wanted an open marriage and he wasn't sure how he felt. I told him I thought it defeated the purpose of being married. He said yeah and we've never talked about it again. He takes whatever I throw at him and throws something back. Went a little of the rails Thursday and got drunk. But we had fun. I can send him the craziest stuff, and it may be a minute or hours, but he will talk me off the ledge.
Makes me seriously regret he is married.
So here I am.
Why would anyone read this.
It's all the same freakin vicious cycle.
It won't change.
It's never changed.
This is not new.
Run. Run and don't look back.
I would. Oh my GOSH! I so would if I could.
But I can't. I'm here stuck in this uncomfortable world in my head. Not able to escape.
Just as clueless as ever.
I'm pretty sure I've used this before. But i feel like this should be tattooed across my forehead.
Banks You Should Know Where I'm Coming From
Cory is gone. I mean he hasn't hit delete but he also hasn't responded. I mean, I did tell him to run. I guess he listened. And that sucks.
Cadmus. Holy heck. At times he seems perfect for me. At times he seems made for me. I ask for space and he easily give it. Of course, that's easy hours and thousands of miles apart.
I was a completely and totally mean to him Thursday night. A few minor things have seemed off. Just, I don't even know. Not answering right away. Which should be okay, but didn't happen before. Asking questions that I think he should know the answer to. A distance that wasn't there before. Things that remind me of ssm and twenty questions. Just little things. Most of the time he's a completely normal guy. He has a life. He's told me about his job, parents, retirement. He talks about things that are happening in the world right now. He's never vague.
Still since I pushed Thursday it's been pretty quiet. He spent yesterday at the hospital with a friend. I have no clue what is going on today. I haven't heard from him. This is the least we've communicated in eleven days we've been talking. I apologized. I felt I should. I was mean for no reason.
I explained what caused the freak out. He apologized for that.
I sit here trying to decide if I care. If I don't. If I'm freaking out or if I'm not.
Shouldn't I know?
Then there's PapaK99. He's a straight mess. We've been chatting. He's married. One of the very first messages was that his wife wanted an open marriage and he wasn't sure how he felt. I told him I thought it defeated the purpose of being married. He said yeah and we've never talked about it again. He takes whatever I throw at him and throws something back. Went a little of the rails Thursday and got drunk. But we had fun. I can send him the craziest stuff, and it may be a minute or hours, but he will talk me off the ledge.
Makes me seriously regret he is married.
So here I am.
Why would anyone read this.
It's all the same freakin vicious cycle.
It won't change.
It's never changed.
This is not new.
Run. Run and don't look back.
I would. Oh my GOSH! I so would if I could.
But I can't. I'm here stuck in this uncomfortable world in my head. Not able to escape.
Just as clueless as ever.
I'm pretty sure I've used this before. But i feel like this should be tattooed across my forehead.
Banks You Should Know Where I'm Coming From
What if I said I would break your heart?What if I said I have problems that made me, mean?What if I knew I would just rip your mind apartWould you let me out?Maybe you can stop before you startMaybe you can see that I just may be too crazy to loveIf I told you solitude fits me like a gloveWould you let me out?
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Enjoy the Black Hole
The craziness is just freaking crazy.
And I had two beers and have not buzz at all. I have no tolerance for alcohol so that makes not freaking sense. Defeats the whole freaking point.
I hate being me. I hate putting up with me. I can't imagine anyone else would.
And then he asks that stupid question.
What's my ideal man?
Um, no one. Elijah because he's not here.
Or winged tat, and it's not a wing at all, because he talks dirty and I like it.
I can't have good in my life.
I'm poison. Poison can't have good in it's life because it's poison.
Question answered.
It doesn't matter if he is real or not.
I don't deserve him.
I can't have him.
I need to crawl back into the black hole and stay there.
Going. Going. GONE!
And I had two beers and have not buzz at all. I have no tolerance for alcohol so that makes not freaking sense. Defeats the whole freaking point.
I hate being me. I hate putting up with me. I can't imagine anyone else would.
And then he asks that stupid question.
What's my ideal man?
Um, no one. Elijah because he's not here.
Or winged tat, and it's not a wing at all, because he talks dirty and I like it.
I can't have good in my life.
I'm poison. Poison can't have good in it's life because it's poison.
Question answered.
It doesn't matter if he is real or not.
I don't deserve him.
I can't have him.
I need to crawl back into the black hole and stay there.
Going. Going. GONE!
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
I don't know how to do this and not freak out.
I can't handle freaking out all the time.
It's like there is a constant vise grip around my lungs.
Is he real or is he not?
Most everything says yes. There are a few things that are triggering alarm bells. Are they real or just in my head?
Okay. If he is, what does that mean.
I like him, he likes me. It can't go any further. We live thousands of miles apart. Even when he comes to the US he's hundreds of miles apart. Wait, still a couple thousand.
So why can't I contain the panic. Why can't I just roll with it?
See what the heck happens.
I don't know and it scares the crap out of me.
I tell him everything and he's okay.
That's even scarier.
Who would voluntarily put up with this level of crazy? I don't want to put up with this level of crazy.
I just don't know.
To top it off. All the expectation issues are mine. I guess I knew that, but...
Expectations are unmanageable when you have no friggin clue what you want.
And top that off with the fact that I only have two speeds. Full friggin blast and stop.
Middle ground needs to be found.
I can't handle freaking out all the time.
It's like there is a constant vise grip around my lungs.
Is he real or is he not?
Most everything says yes. There are a few things that are triggering alarm bells. Are they real or just in my head?
Okay. If he is, what does that mean.
I like him, he likes me. It can't go any further. We live thousands of miles apart. Even when he comes to the US he's hundreds of miles apart. Wait, still a couple thousand.
So why can't I contain the panic. Why can't I just roll with it?
See what the heck happens.
I don't know and it scares the crap out of me.
I tell him everything and he's okay.
That's even scarier.
Who would voluntarily put up with this level of crazy? I don't want to put up with this level of crazy.
I just don't know.
To top it off. All the expectation issues are mine. I guess I knew that, but...
Expectations are unmanageable when you have no friggin clue what you want.
And top that off with the fact that I only have two speeds. Full friggin blast and stop.
Middle ground needs to be found.
If I don't have to meet anyone's expectations, how do I manage mine?
I'm either full tilt or full stop. I don't know how to find the middle ground.
I build whole worlds in my head. How can you live in my world when you don't even know it exists?
Makes me want to crawl back in the black hole and let out suck it all away.
Then everyone is safe.I'm safe from them and they're safe from me.
How do I believe I'm not poison when I poison everything I touch?
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Broken. Expectations
There are so many people telling me to not meet expectations, it's not about them. I just have to meet my own expectations.
That is so much easier said than done.
I still miss the other half of my heart SO much. This wasn't a romantic love. These were two people that poured into my life. Poured into my kids. And then walked away.
Cadmus says it was them. BigPappa says it was them
Why wasn't I enough for them? Why didn't my feelings matter?
It is breaking my heart.
I don't know how to just be me. I don't know if I know who me is under all the blood.
How does someone who has never been enough, just be?
How can I just meet my own expectations?
Hell, I don't even know what I want.
I don't even know how to find out what I want.
By the way, I had a panic attach. I've had a headache. Cadmus knew. I came home and took a nap. I told him it was because I was exhausted from feeling bad and he asked if I'd not had a good day.
I FREAKED.
I guess its like depression. If you don't suffer from it you can't realize just how debilitating a severe headache can be.
But I still miss A&B. So much sometimes. It aches.
Maybe I can meet my own expectations. I don't know.
I'm just tired of not being enough.
Not trusting.
Not believing.
I just don't know how to be anything else.
I'm so freaking lost.
That is so much easier said than done.
I still miss the other half of my heart SO much. This wasn't a romantic love. These were two people that poured into my life. Poured into my kids. And then walked away.
Cadmus says it was them. BigPappa says it was them
Why wasn't I enough for them? Why didn't my feelings matter?
It is breaking my heart.
I don't know how to just be me. I don't know if I know who me is under all the blood.
How does someone who has never been enough, just be?
How can I just meet my own expectations?
Hell, I don't even know what I want.
I don't even know how to find out what I want.
By the way, I had a panic attach. I've had a headache. Cadmus knew. I came home and took a nap. I told him it was because I was exhausted from feeling bad and he asked if I'd not had a good day.
I FREAKED.
I guess its like depression. If you don't suffer from it you can't realize just how debilitating a severe headache can be.
But I still miss A&B. So much sometimes. It aches.
Maybe I can meet my own expectations. I don't know.
I'm just tired of not being enough.
Not trusting.
Not believing.
I just don't know how to be anything else.
I'm so freaking lost.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Caged by love
"I love you never felt like any blessing" Florence and the Machine Heavy in Your Arms
I've always liked this song and this has always been one of my favorite lines. It has never applied to my children. Maybe my family but not recently, and not the family i chose.
I'm trapped by love. I'm trapped by the choices of my past, and there is no escape because the cage is love.
To escape you have to destroy the cage. Bust it open. Break the lock.
How can you do that to the ones that you love and love you?
I read on twitter that running cold water over your body can increase blood flow and help change your mood. I pretty sure it didn't work. I'm pretty sure switching from crying hysterically to laughing hysterically wasn't what they had in mind.
If you hate music stop reading now. I had Icon for Hire playing while I was having my breakdown in the shower, and she always says it better than me.
Icon for Hire - Pulse - You Can't Kill Us
Married at 18, pregnant at 21, divorced by 24. Fell in love with an addict and pregnant again at 30.
I can't abandon my children. Right now I want to. I want to run away screaming.
My God daughter. The child God grafted in. I could not love her more if I gave birth. She's giving me grandchild number one. I'm already grandma. Crap. I can never leave.
I think somewhere in the back of my head I figured both my children would grow up and leave this state. Then I could too. Once Granny and Papa passed. Now I can't. I have a grandchild here, so I can't.
I didn't know how much that mattered. I didn't know how much I wanted to get away.
Icon for Hire - Iodine - Scripted
Oh, and I'm done healing. It doesn't work. It doesn't help. It doesn't get better. I'm back where I started. The bones were broken and never set. They healed wrong. The only way to fix that is to break them again and I have nothing left to break. I can't heal. Set in stone like this is where I am.
Icon for Hire - You can't Kill Us - You Can't Kill Us
I've always liked this song and this has always been one of my favorite lines. It has never applied to my children. Maybe my family but not recently, and not the family i chose.
I'm trapped by love. I'm trapped by the choices of my past, and there is no escape because the cage is love.
To escape you have to destroy the cage. Bust it open. Break the lock.
How can you do that to the ones that you love and love you?
I read on twitter that running cold water over your body can increase blood flow and help change your mood. I pretty sure it didn't work. I'm pretty sure switching from crying hysterically to laughing hysterically wasn't what they had in mind.
If you hate music stop reading now. I had Icon for Hire playing while I was having my breakdown in the shower, and she always says it better than me.
Icon for Hire - Pulse - You Can't Kill Us
Stuff us in boxes that's where you want usBut I can't. I'm stuffed in the box, and I can't burn it. And that sucks. Today that friggin SUCKS! Because I want out. I have never wanted out, but I do know.
Cardboard is boring, we brought our matches
Stuff us in boxes that's where you want us
Cardboard is boring, look how it burns
Married at 18, pregnant at 21, divorced by 24. Fell in love with an addict and pregnant again at 30.
I can't abandon my children. Right now I want to. I want to run away screaming.
My God daughter. The child God grafted in. I could not love her more if I gave birth. She's giving me grandchild number one. I'm already grandma. Crap. I can never leave.
I think somewhere in the back of my head I figured both my children would grow up and leave this state. Then I could too. Once Granny and Papa passed. Now I can't. I have a grandchild here, so I can't.
I didn't know how much that mattered. I didn't know how much I wanted to get away.
Icon for Hire - Iodine - Scripted
I think I'm just in love with the feelingI wanted to last night. I wanted to cut. I've never understood it, but I had to let the pain out somehow. I wanted to claw my throat and lungs open. It hurt so much. It hurts so much.
Break my bones so I can feel them healing
Oh, and I'm done healing. It doesn't work. It doesn't help. It doesn't get better. I'm back where I started. The bones were broken and never set. They healed wrong. The only way to fix that is to break them again and I have nothing left to break. I can't heal. Set in stone like this is where I am.
Icon for Hire - You can't Kill Us - You Can't Kill Us
I swear to God at night when I close my eyesI can still see this little lost girl insideAnd I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to doSupposed to have this figured out but I'm so confusedFor years I cried myself to sleep every nightLived one day at a time, trying to just stay aliveAnd I knew people had it worse, but that didn't make me better
Took all I had inside just to hold myself together
She is so lost. I can't help her. I cried. I screamed. I laughed hysterically. I pushed the only person on the app away. Heck, this morning I even managed to piss off the guy that says he hates me.
He told me I wasn't nice. Nice isn't how we play. I think I hurt his feelings. We don't have feelings in our game. How do you manage to piss that person off? Cory contacted me. He helped Friday. I was kinda hoping he would contact me. He asked how I was and I told him. It's bad. Run. I would.
No response. Crap. Not what I wanted but what I expected. Still now response. I sent him a message and said keep running. It's bad. When it takes everything you have to hold yourself together there is nothing left to make polite conversation and be nice. I just don't have it.
Icon for Hire - Here We Are - You Can't Kill Us
Icon for Hire - Pieces - Scripted
So I'll stay here. Sad, broken, with Too Many Pieces to Mend (Libby Weaver) and stop trying to pick them up.
It is what it is.
He told me I wasn't nice. Nice isn't how we play. I think I hurt his feelings. We don't have feelings in our game. How do you manage to piss that person off? Cory contacted me. He helped Friday. I was kinda hoping he would contact me. He asked how I was and I told him. It's bad. Run. I would.
No response. Crap. Not what I wanted but what I expected. Still now response. I sent him a message and said keep running. It's bad. When it takes everything you have to hold yourself together there is nothing left to make polite conversation and be nice. I just don't have it.
Icon for Hire - Here We Are - You Can't Kill Us
Why are we still sadThere's just really nothing to add. She said it all.
Why are we still sad
When we gonna wake up happy
When we gonna wake up happy, happy
Why are we still sick
Tell me what I'm missing in this
Why we gotta hurt so badly
Why we gotta hurt so badly, badly
Thought by now we would all be
All grown up, finally free
Living our lives, thought we'd fly
But here we are
Bruised and battle scarred
All our beating hearts
Here we are, here we are
Come this far
Fighting for our lives
Holding on tonight
Here we are, here we are
Icon for Hire - Pieces - Scripted
You're so tired trying to rewindAnd I'm done. My mind can stay a mess. I'm not picking up the pieces because they are sharp, and just cut me up even more.
The mess you've made of your own mind
But the pieces won't pick up themselves, you know?
You can fight just like you've been taughtIt won't undo the life you've gotCause the pieces won't pick up themselves, you know
So I'll stay here. Sad, broken, with Too Many Pieces to Mend (Libby Weaver) and stop trying to pick them up.
It is what it is.
Friday, May 11, 2018
Are you kidding me?
So, I'm now chatting to multiple people on my app. One for a month.
That's so cool.
Anyway, two are single guys. Around my age. Super nice. Pretty regular.
One just fell off the map. I started freaking out. I asked. He answered. He promised to let me know if he was taking a break again. All is good.
The other its been almost none stop. He's so sweet. Recorded his voice and sent it to me. We talk about everything. He respects my boundaries. Which, of course, kinda freaks me out.
Both have completely stayed away from the love topic, which is great.
We'll call them hmmm. I actually like them so they don't have nicknames.
Okay local boy is Cory. He's the first one.
The second is Cadmus because.
Cadmus has always almost instantly replied to every single message.
Got me spoiled.
This morning I sent one and I got nothing.
What? I look at the time.
He should be up.
Crap. What did I do?
At first I can't think of anything.
Then it hits me.
CRAP.
Last night we were talking about weather and that I didn't like the hot, it didn't get cold here, and I rarely wear a jacket.
He asks if I would like Minnesota, he spends half his year there. Yes, but no way I'd move. Too many roots here.
We talk about ice fishing. I agree I would probably like it.
He says he'd make a Midwestern girl out of me yet.
Too many obligations here. Sorry.
He agrees, and not long after signs off.
Now it was time for me to go to sleep and I thought nothing of it at the time.
When I remembered all that this morning I bloomin PANICKED!
Freaked out, figured he was gone. Lost it. Completely and totally.
He'd gone grocery shopping. Completely normal.
But by this point I was in full on Bitch mood and felt trapped.
My life is not perfect. I've been suicidal. I felt, lost, afraid, and unable to cope.
I have never felt trapped. It was suffocating.
Cory talked me down.
And I prayed.
But I am well and truly trapped.
I don't like it. Can't change it.
So here I am. Screwed and trapped and trying to heal.
That's so cool.
Anyway, two are single guys. Around my age. Super nice. Pretty regular.
One just fell off the map. I started freaking out. I asked. He answered. He promised to let me know if he was taking a break again. All is good.
The other its been almost none stop. He's so sweet. Recorded his voice and sent it to me. We talk about everything. He respects my boundaries. Which, of course, kinda freaks me out.
Both have completely stayed away from the love topic, which is great.
We'll call them hmmm. I actually like them so they don't have nicknames.
Okay local boy is Cory. He's the first one.
The second is Cadmus because.
Cadmus has always almost instantly replied to every single message.
Got me spoiled.
This morning I sent one and I got nothing.
What? I look at the time.
He should be up.
Crap. What did I do?
At first I can't think of anything.
Then it hits me.
CRAP.
Last night we were talking about weather and that I didn't like the hot, it didn't get cold here, and I rarely wear a jacket.
He asks if I would like Minnesota, he spends half his year there. Yes, but no way I'd move. Too many roots here.
We talk about ice fishing. I agree I would probably like it.
He says he'd make a Midwestern girl out of me yet.
Too many obligations here. Sorry.
He agrees, and not long after signs off.
Now it was time for me to go to sleep and I thought nothing of it at the time.
When I remembered all that this morning I bloomin PANICKED!
Freaked out, figured he was gone. Lost it. Completely and totally.
He'd gone grocery shopping. Completely normal.
But by this point I was in full on Bitch mood and felt trapped.
My life is not perfect. I've been suicidal. I felt, lost, afraid, and unable to cope.
I have never felt trapped. It was suffocating.
Cory talked me down.
And I prayed.
But I am well and truly trapped.
I don't like it. Can't change it.
So here I am. Screwed and trapped and trying to heal.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Completely Shattered. Again
How can I be so dang clueless?
So chatting with a friend on my app. Talking about driving. Not speeding. Following the rules. Which leads me down a road to the fact that I'm still meeting expectations.
Whose?
Everyone's I guess.
If I'm good enough maybe they won't leave. If I fit the image they have of me they won't leave.
Why would it work? It's never worked.
Hell, it shouldn't work.
I need to be me.
I don't even know who I am. I can't find me under all the dang blood.
It's friggin every where.
It took over twenty five years to realize my parents leaving GA when I was 19 hurt like hell.
(Sorry it's R rated tonight.)
I thought I was fine. I was married, on my own. Why would it matter that they left? Why would it matter when they divorced that my mother said there was no reason to come back to GA.
Why would it matter that Daddy came back and then left again?
Why would it matter that my mother said she had no reason to come visit GA?
My most recent analogy is that I'm not scarred at all.
I am covered in stab wounds and they never stopped bleeding. There was never time to heal or scar.
All my work colleagues leaving
Stabbed over
My church splitting
stabbed over
My best friend getting married and not needing me
stabbed over
Our other best friend leaving the state
stabbed over
The other half of my heart falling out of my life
stabbed over
The addict screwing me over
stabbed over
HSSH and the divorce
stabbed over
My parents leaving
stabbed over
my whole childhood.
I am so SCREWED
Now. Here I am. Alone. Screwed. Realizing I do still have to be alone. I have to heal. I don't think I can do that with someone.
So alone it is.
With God. Only He can heal and save
WILL I LET HIM?
I'm going to try.
1 forward and 15 back is still progress.
#irisswiftdepression
So chatting with a friend on my app. Talking about driving. Not speeding. Following the rules. Which leads me down a road to the fact that I'm still meeting expectations.
Whose?
Everyone's I guess.
If I'm good enough maybe they won't leave. If I fit the image they have of me they won't leave.
Why would it work? It's never worked.
Hell, it shouldn't work.
I need to be me.
I don't even know who I am. I can't find me under all the dang blood.
It's friggin every where.
It took over twenty five years to realize my parents leaving GA when I was 19 hurt like hell.
(Sorry it's R rated tonight.)
I thought I was fine. I was married, on my own. Why would it matter that they left? Why would it matter when they divorced that my mother said there was no reason to come back to GA.
Why would it matter that Daddy came back and then left again?
Why would it matter that my mother said she had no reason to come visit GA?
My most recent analogy is that I'm not scarred at all.
I am covered in stab wounds and they never stopped bleeding. There was never time to heal or scar.
All my work colleagues leaving
Stabbed over
My church splitting
stabbed over
My best friend getting married and not needing me
stabbed over
Our other best friend leaving the state
stabbed over
The other half of my heart falling out of my life
stabbed over
The addict screwing me over
stabbed over
HSSH and the divorce
stabbed over
My parents leaving
stabbed over
my whole childhood.
I am so SCREWED
Now. Here I am. Alone. Screwed. Realizing I do still have to be alone. I have to heal. I don't think I can do that with someone.
So alone it is.
With God. Only He can heal and save
WILL I LET HIM?
I'm going to try.
1 forward and 15 back is still progress.
#irisswiftdepression
Monday, May 7, 2018
The Wrong Things
I'm putting all this effort in. Building something I don't believe is going to last. Working my self into a frenzy, into a panic KNOWING it doesn't matter. What in the world is going to happen when it DOES matter.
I am obsessed with this messaging app. I check it constantly.
I truly have two people I've consistently connected with and I'm so glad I have them in my life.
I have someone praying about my love issues because I was willing to share in that space in a way I usually wouldn't.
SSM and Twenty Questions have now both asked me for money. Fraud confirmed. I knew it, it was just confirmed. No I didn't give it to them, yes I deleted and cut contact. It's just frustrating.
You chat, you connect, nothing happens, nothing changes, and then they fall off the face of the planet.
I FREAK out. They have no idea.
What the heck am I doing? What is my goal?
Then there's wing tat. Oh my gosh.
I am OBSESSED with this tat. They have never bothered me or particularly attracted me. I could stare at this one for days. He knows it. I've said it enough. He uses it against me.
He is SO good at being bad. Yeah, probably shouldn't be focusing on that right now.
He's not good for me, but he is oh so for me.
Two days. We'll see how long he sticks around. I'm keeping the pics of the tat. It's forever.
I'm telling you. I'm in love with that tat.
Back to the point. This is not where I should be investing. I'm not even sure its healthy.
Heck. I'm not even sure what healthy is.
How do I get there?
Not chasing all the wrong things I'm sure.
You'd think I would have learned that by now.
You'd be wrong.
#irisswiftdepression
I am obsessed with this messaging app. I check it constantly.
I truly have two people I've consistently connected with and I'm so glad I have them in my life.
I have someone praying about my love issues because I was willing to share in that space in a way I usually wouldn't.
SSM and Twenty Questions have now both asked me for money. Fraud confirmed. I knew it, it was just confirmed. No I didn't give it to them, yes I deleted and cut contact. It's just frustrating.
You chat, you connect, nothing happens, nothing changes, and then they fall off the face of the planet.
I FREAK out. They have no idea.
What the heck am I doing? What is my goal?
Then there's wing tat. Oh my gosh.
I am OBSESSED with this tat. They have never bothered me or particularly attracted me. I could stare at this one for days. He knows it. I've said it enough. He uses it against me.
He is SO good at being bad. Yeah, probably shouldn't be focusing on that right now.
He's not good for me, but he is oh so for me.
Two days. We'll see how long he sticks around. I'm keeping the pics of the tat. It's forever.
I'm telling you. I'm in love with that tat.
Back to the point. This is not where I should be investing. I'm not even sure its healthy.
Heck. I'm not even sure what healthy is.
How do I get there?
Not chasing all the wrong things I'm sure.
You'd think I would have learned that by now.
You'd be wrong.
#irisswiftdepression
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Clueless and confused
I just don't know what I'm doing.
I still don't know what I want.
I'm not sure if this chat app is fun or stressful.
I have made some friends. People I check on and that check on me. People I laugh with and just share stuff with. It's nice.
A lot of married guys which kinda cracks me up. There's nothing there. It's total friendship. Which is cool.
Then I have one and we just seem to click. Talked, chatted, shared non stop and then feel off the map. He answered. I've already imagined this whole life. He's in VA. I visit there regularly. We could meet. We could fall in love. He could move here.
Then he doesn't answer for a day and I FREAK out. I know it's okay he doesn't answer. Heck that world is IN MY HEAD. He's not living with my crazy.
Do I want to fall in love?
Yes, I would love to have someone to come home to. I would love to have someone to check on me at the end of everyday. To care about the shit that is going on inside me.
But I know without a doubt I would mess that up.
Or I'd choose the wrong guy.
Or, but, and, If.....
The list goes on.
So, wrong guy or forever lonely?
I know forever lonely is better. Or the right guy.
I just can't imagine that.
Then the black hole opens up. A part of me wants to give in and fall in.
I have so many kids that count on me.
Church counts on me.
I'm just waiting to fail them.
I know I will.
It's when, not if. Just a matter of time.
And it SUCKS!
#irisswiftdepression
I still don't know what I want.
I'm not sure if this chat app is fun or stressful.
I have made some friends. People I check on and that check on me. People I laugh with and just share stuff with. It's nice.
A lot of married guys which kinda cracks me up. There's nothing there. It's total friendship. Which is cool.
Then I have one and we just seem to click. Talked, chatted, shared non stop and then feel off the map. He answered. I've already imagined this whole life. He's in VA. I visit there regularly. We could meet. We could fall in love. He could move here.
Then he doesn't answer for a day and I FREAK out. I know it's okay he doesn't answer. Heck that world is IN MY HEAD. He's not living with my crazy.
Do I want to fall in love?
Yes, I would love to have someone to come home to. I would love to have someone to check on me at the end of everyday. To care about the shit that is going on inside me.
But I know without a doubt I would mess that up.
Or I'd choose the wrong guy.
Or, but, and, If.....
The list goes on.
So, wrong guy or forever lonely?
I know forever lonely is better. Or the right guy.
I just can't imagine that.
Then the black hole opens up. A part of me wants to give in and fall in.
I have so many kids that count on me.
Church counts on me.
I'm just waiting to fail them.
I know I will.
It's when, not if. Just a matter of time.
And it SUCKS!
#irisswiftdepression
Thursday, May 3, 2018
If you don't know, who does?
Have you ever said that to someone?
If you don't know, what you want, who you want, where you're going, who does?
I'd really like an answer to that right about now.
It's just been a rough day.
I teach. I teach in an extremely rural, poor county. My kids go through so much. I've got one that has recently started coming in late. She's always been a problem but its gotten worse. Today when she came in I knew she wasn't okay. I held her, loved on her, and sent her for breakfast. Coming back from lunch she was just losing it. I kept her when we switched classes. I sat her down to talk. Do you have problems? Why are you late all the sudden? I got a mildly incoherent story and the tears started pouring.
I just held her. Not sure how long. I held her and she sobbed. Thankfully my other kids did their work and let me deal with her. She sobbed and wasn't willing to go to class. Finally, I convinced her she had to go to class. It was all I could do to not sob. When they left, I went and sat behind my desk on the floor and cried. They go through so much. So much I don't have a clue about. There is only so much that I can do.
I try not to be too over the top. I'm still talking on the chat app. I've actually met some more crazy people and some nice people.
Still talking to the one guy that I think I've talked to since I first got the app. He's married, little kids, and nice.
I just met a new one two days ago. He's nice. Single. Not declaring love.
Am I the one that's going to be?
All you have to do is a be a little nice to me. I fall over like a wet noodle. No wonder God keeps relationships away from me.
I don't think I know what I want. That's a little scary. I have no clue where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who or what I want.
Tonight I desperately want someone to hold me. I would just love to be able recline in someone's arms and be comforted.
Being me sucks.
Depression sucks.
I'd love to have some clear direction.
#irisswiftdepression
If you don't know, what you want, who you want, where you're going, who does?
I'd really like an answer to that right about now.
It's just been a rough day.
I teach. I teach in an extremely rural, poor county. My kids go through so much. I've got one that has recently started coming in late. She's always been a problem but its gotten worse. Today when she came in I knew she wasn't okay. I held her, loved on her, and sent her for breakfast. Coming back from lunch she was just losing it. I kept her when we switched classes. I sat her down to talk. Do you have problems? Why are you late all the sudden? I got a mildly incoherent story and the tears started pouring.
I just held her. Not sure how long. I held her and she sobbed. Thankfully my other kids did their work and let me deal with her. She sobbed and wasn't willing to go to class. Finally, I convinced her she had to go to class. It was all I could do to not sob. When they left, I went and sat behind my desk on the floor and cried. They go through so much. So much I don't have a clue about. There is only so much that I can do.
I try not to be too over the top. I'm still talking on the chat app. I've actually met some more crazy people and some nice people.
Still talking to the one guy that I think I've talked to since I first got the app. He's married, little kids, and nice.
I just met a new one two days ago. He's nice. Single. Not declaring love.
Am I the one that's going to be?
All you have to do is a be a little nice to me. I fall over like a wet noodle. No wonder God keeps relationships away from me.
I don't think I know what I want. That's a little scary. I have no clue where I'm going, what I'm doing, and who or what I want.
Tonight I desperately want someone to hold me. I would just love to be able recline in someone's arms and be comforted.
Being me sucks.
Depression sucks.
I'd love to have some clear direction.
#irisswiftdepression
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