I don't know how to do this and not freak out. 
I can't handle freaking out all the time. 
It's like there is a constant vise grip around my lungs.
Is he real or is he not?
Most everything says yes. There are a few things that are triggering alarm bells. Are they real or just in my head?
Okay. If he is, what does that mean.
I like him, he likes me. It can't go any further. We live thousands of miles apart. Even when he comes to the US he's hundreds of miles apart. Wait, still a couple thousand.
So why can't I contain the panic. Why can't I just roll with it? 
See what the heck happens. 
I don't know and it scares the crap out of me. 
I tell him everything and he's okay. 
That's even scarier.
Who would voluntarily put up with this level of crazy? I don't want to put up with this level of crazy.
I just don't know. 

To top it off. All the expectation issues are mine. I guess I knew that, but...
Expectations are unmanageable when you have no friggin clue what you want.
And top that off with the fact that I only have two speeds. Full friggin blast and stop. 
Middle ground needs to be found.

If I don't have to meet anyone's expectations, how do I manage mine? 

I'm either full tilt or full stop. I don't know how to find the middle ground. 

I build whole worlds in my head. How can you live in my world when you don't even know it exists?

Makes me want to crawl back in the black hole and let out suck it all away. 

Then everyone is safe.I'm safe from them and they're safe from me. 

How do I believe I'm not poison when I poison everything I touch?