Broken. Expectations

There are so many people telling me to not meet expectations, it's not about them. I just have to meet my own expectations. 
That is so much easier said than done. 
I still miss the other half of my heart SO much. This wasn't a romantic love. These were two people that poured into my life. Poured into my kids. And then walked away. 
Cadmus says it was them. BigPappa says it was them
Why wasn't I enough for them? Why didn't my feelings matter? 
It is breaking my heart. 
I don't know how to just be me. I don't know if I know who me is under all the blood.
How does someone who has never been enough, just be?
How can I just meet my own expectations? 
Hell, I don't even know what I want.
I don't even know how to find out what I want. 
By the way, I had a panic attach. I've had a headache. Cadmus knew. I came home and took a nap. I told him it was because I was exhausted from feeling bad and he asked if I'd not had a good day.
I FREAKED.
I guess its like depression. If you don't suffer from it you can't realize just how debilitating a severe headache can be.
But I still miss A&B. So much sometimes. It aches.
Maybe I can meet my own expectations. I don't know.
I'm just tired of not being enough.
Not trusting.
Not believing.
I just don't know how to be anything else.
I'm so freaking lost.