Cadmus, WHY?

I DID NOT want him to go there. I'd been avoiding going there, but NO he drug us into that relationship discussion that I was so not ready to have. 
I like him. A lot. I may be a romantic, but there's a true realist living in this body. There is very little point in loving someone that lives 20 hour flight away half the year, and 1000 plus miles the rest of the year. 
He makes me laugh and smile more than anyone I can think of.
He knows the craziest random facts. And shares them. I always imagine with a completely straight face if we are in person. Not sure how you can talk about leprechauns with a straight face but I think he would pull it off.
He worries about my sleep, my eating, and my depression.
When I say I need space, he gives it.
When I push back he lets me, but then asks why.
He knows more intimate details of my depression and my thoughts. It's easy to share online. He never judges. Gives me too much credit. Too much benefit of the doubt.
BUT he is thousands of miles away all year. 
We both deserve more than part time, long distance.
Where does that leave us. 
Me to worry. Him to sleep. It's 2am there.
I don't know what will happen if I lose him, but I don't know how not too.
Can we stay balanced now that it's out there or will I be broken again.
Remind me again why I started on this app?

Many have come and gone. Out of all I guess four have hurt.
SSM - even when I knew he wasn't real, I wanted him to be.
toy one - Just stopped. No warning. I hit delete. I hit delete because it hurt to see it there.
Corey - I guess I can take the blame there. I again hit delete, and I told him to run. How can I be upset he listened?
Winged tat - that still aches. We were so very good together. Or so I thought. But he hit delete with no warning at all.

Where does that leave me at Cadmus? I honestly don't know.
Terrified. Absolutely terrified. Except I'm not. I'm numb. 
Damn it. I am numb. 
What does that mean. 
That I care?
That I don't?
That it is ALL an act on my part?
God help me. Who else am I going to break?
I'm not well.
I'm not safe.
I'm toxic.
I'm poison.
They SHOuLD all RUN.
Heck, you should run.
Can I run? Oh PLEASE! Can there be some ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!
There isn't for me. Is it fair to drag someone else into the black hole?
Even if they've been warned?
I'm so friggin SCREWED!