Clueless and confused

I just don't know what I'm doing.
I still don't know what I want.
I'm not sure if this chat app is fun or stressful.
I have made some friends. People I check on and that check on me. People I laugh with and just share stuff with. It's nice.
A lot of married guys which kinda cracks me up. There's nothing there. It's total friendship. Which is cool.
Then I have one and we just seem to click. Talked, chatted, shared non stop and then feel off the map. He answered. I've already imagined this whole life. He's in VA. I visit there regularly. We could meet. We could fall in love. He could move here. 
Then he doesn't answer for a day and I FREAK out. I know it's okay he doesn't answer. Heck that world is IN MY HEAD. He's not living with my crazy. 
Do I want to fall in love? 
Yes, I would love to have someone to come home to. I would love to have someone to check on me at the end of everyday. To care about the shit that is going on inside me.
But I know without a doubt I would mess that up.
Or I'd choose the wrong guy.
Or, but, and, If.....
The list goes on.
So, wrong guy or forever lonely?
I know forever lonely is better. Or the right guy. 
I just can't imagine that.
Then the black hole opens up. A part of me wants to give in and fall in.
I have so many kids that count on me.
Church counts on me.
I'm just waiting to fail them.
I know I will. 
It's when, not if. Just a matter of time.
And it SUCKS!
#irisswiftdepression