Cory is gone. I mean he hasn't hit delete but he also hasn't responded. I mean, I did tell him to run. I guess he listened. And that sucks.
Cadmus. Holy heck. At times he seems perfect for me. At times he seems made for me. I ask for space and he easily give it. Of course, that's easy hours and thousands of miles apart.
I was a completely and totally mean to him Thursday night. A few minor things have seemed off. Just, I don't even know. Not answering right away. Which should be okay, but didn't happen before. Asking questions that I think he should know the answer to. A distance that wasn't there before. Things that remind me of ssm and twenty questions. Just little things. Most of the time he's a completely normal guy. He has a life. He's told me about his job, parents, retirement. He talks about things that are happening in the world right now. He's never vague.
Still since I pushed Thursday it's been pretty quiet. He spent yesterday at the hospital with a friend. I have no clue what is going on today. I haven't heard from him. This is the least we've communicated in eleven days we've been talking. I apologized. I felt I should. I was mean for no reason.
I explained what caused the freak out. He apologized for that.
I sit here trying to decide if I care. If I don't. If I'm freaking out or if I'm not.
Shouldn't I know?
Then there's PapaK99. He's a straight mess. We've been chatting. He's married. One of the very first messages was that his wife wanted an open marriage and he wasn't sure how he felt. I told him I thought it defeated the purpose of being married. He said yeah and we've never talked about it again. He takes whatever I throw at him and throws something back. Went a little of the rails Thursday and got drunk. But we had fun. I can send him the craziest stuff, and it may be a minute or hours, but he will talk me off the ledge.
Makes me seriously regret he is married.
So here I am.
Why would anyone read this.
It's all the same freakin vicious cycle.
It won't change.
It's never changed.
This is not new.
Run. Run and don't look back.
I would. Oh my GOSH! I so would if I could.
But I can't. I'm here stuck in this uncomfortable world in my head. Not able to escape.
Just as clueless as ever.
I'm pretty sure I've used this before. But i feel like this should be tattooed across my forehead.
Banks You Should Know Where I'm Coming From
What if I said I would break your heart?What if I said I have problems that made me, mean?What if I knew I would just rip your mind apartWould you let me out?Maybe you can stop before you startMaybe you can see that I just may be too crazy to loveIf I told you solitude fits me like a gloveWould you let me out?
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