You're okay, until you're not

Been pretty quiet here. There are a number of reasons for that. 
1) I was doing okay. Not great or perfect or anything. But pretty even keeled.
2) Life happens and it has been pretty busy

The it happened. Cadmus went there. Again. There is no point in going there. He said he didn't know what to do. I said stop talking. He said that wasn't an option.
Barely 24 hours later it happened. 

One message sent.
No answer.

Second message sent.
No answer.

Third sent.
No Answer.

So I let it be. Tried to pretend I didn't care. 
I was busy and exhausted on day two. Literally fell into bed when I walked in the house.
Day three I had nothing to do. I brooded. I struggled. Finally I sent a final message with the exact same message in an email. The gist was in 24 hours I'm deleting you from the app. 

I didn't actually wait 24 hours. On the app you can see when a person connects and whether or not they have read your messages. I could see he had been on and had not read my messages.
I deleted him from the app. 
I deleted the folder that had our messages from my email.
I deleted the folder we shared in dropbox.
And then I cried. 
And I cried.
I had to pack to go on a trip the next day, and go shopping for some things I needed. It was so hard to function normally. 
I was finally packed and ready to go a little after 11. I went to bed.
And cried.
I got up read, tried to relax. I went back to bed.
It physically hurt to try to lay there.
I cried.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I was leaving the next day for a week long construction mission trip.
It was a five hour drive, and I was driving. 
I couldn't change the departure time. I honestly don't think that would have mattered. I was no where near sleep at any point.
So I hurt. 
I would think of things to tell him.
Or that he would worry that I wasn't sleeping. Or eating right. Or working too hard.
And it hurt.
Every time I got an email I jumped.
Every. Single. Time.
So after a full seven days I sent an email. I told him exactly how messed up I was and it was his fault.
And he answered. Said he was in the hospital, again, and the person that took him had his phone, that was who had been his app, and he was so sorry. I was incapable of dealing with him at that time and told him so. He said it was late and he would message me soon.
Evidently my definition of soon and his don't live on the same planet because it has been 48 hours. 

Here's the thing. 
It's okay to need someone. Not in a love relationship way necessarily though certainly that is okay too, but just for support. 
You just have to be careful who you choose.
It is also not weak to admit to yourself that you need someone or care about them.
It. Is. OKAY!
That said, I'm still not okay.
Let me rephrase that.
I'm more not okay than normal, because I am never okay.
And to steal a line from Icon for Hire, I'm not alright and for night that's alright.
It has to be because its the best I've got.
Be careful who you trust your pieces with when you don't have any to spare.