One foot in front of the other.

Momma came tonight. I'm pretty sure it's sad that I dread her visits. So does my sister.
I was thinking about her coming and thought I have to text my friend and let him know we can't talk because my mother requires a lot of attention.
Crap.
That's exactly how I am. I require a LOT of attention. It's scary how much. I try to keep it under wraps but I know.
When I freak out because not many people read this post.
Or I don't have likes on my Facebook or Instagram posts. 
Or I can see you have been on the messaging app but you haven't looked at or answered my message.
I am just like my mother.
Crap.
She makes sure you know she's hurting or if she's done something for you.
I try not to to do that buy I know I do.
I don't want to be her. 
I don't want my kids to dread visiting me. Or worry about leaving their kids with me. I want to be better. Well, better than her. 
At this point I have no interest in getting better. 
If I had a heart attack tomorrow that would be just fine with me.

To top it off I'm tired. 
So very, extremely, beyond tired.
And I don't know why.
Is it because my period is about to start?
Or because last week was so stressful?
Maybe because I started last week by going 40 hours without sleep.
Possibly simply because I'm depressed.
Then there's a chance it is a combination of them all. 
I don't know. I just know that I am beyond bone tired.
I wonder what would happen if life threw me some true curve balls?
Like real tragedy?
I think I would let them hit me and then curl up in a ball.
I just don't have the strength to make the effort to survive.
I truly believe God knows that and that's why they don't come my way.
I'm so close to laying down and giving up and He knows that would push me over the edge.
Instead I keep plodding. One foot in front of the other. Still riding this ride I hate.