Healing in the darkness

I'm in an okay place.
At the same time, I think maybe I am numb.
Cadmus disappeared for a little over 24 hours. 
I cared, but at the same time I didn't. I like him, sure, but I like PapaK, and Styx just as much. 
This is why I don't let people in. 
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel. I don't feel. Letting you in is dangerous because I can put on a good show, but do I ever really feel anything?
Sometimes I don't think so.
I can act happy. 
I can act like I care.
But do I really.
I honestly don't think so.
I think I push them away for their own safety. I act like it's for me.
And then it is for me. 
Acting is hard.
Acting is exhausting.
Acting is foolish.
I don't know any other way to be.
So I am poison.
So I hurt you.
So I hurt me.
And then I'm numb.
Is numb good or bad?
At this point I honestly don't know.
No more friends.
No more relationships.
It's just not worth the effort and most days I just don't have it to put in.
I might cry if you walk away.
I might break my heart if you walk away.
But in the end I know that I will be fine.
In the end I know that I will keep going.
There is no choice.
There aren't options.
Don't come.
Don't go.
It doesn't matter.
I'll just keep riding the ride.
Because there is not other option.
Let the black hole win.
At least it is comfortable there. 
Let it suck the hurt, the pain, the good, the bad, all of it. It is indifferent. 
Maybe just maybe the black hole is healing.