PANIC

Twenty questions fell off the map. I let it go. Chatted with some other people. Enjoyed my company. 
This morning I get this lovey dovey message.
I gasp. Wait a minute?
Didn't we discuss this. FRIENDSHIP. Do't be throwing that L word around.
I don't answer. I look at it and it terrifies me. 
I take a shower to get ready for the day. A song plays. I'm just thinking. It hits me. I'm acting like a three year old by not answering. I realize this will upset twenty questions. 
This brings me to my knees. Literally gasping for air. I can't let someone who I've chatted with for two days have this much control. I am having a full blown panic attack. On my knees, hyperventilating, sobbing. I can't afford this. I don't have time. We've got places to go. I manage to stand with difficulty. 
Then I imagine Elijah's arms going around me. Yep, I have an imaginary husband. He comforts me. Holds me, and I can breath. 
I man up and message twenty questions. He answers almost immediately. 
I'm not sure if more afraid he is real or not real. 
Hours later I can still barely breath. 
I am such a broken bleeding mess. Can I ever be fixed.

I can't make reality connect I push 'till I have nothing left But if we want to wake up Why we still singing these lullabies? I'll run in circles 'till I crash One day these steps will be my last But if we want to wake up Why we still singing these lullabies?

 Another line is "Depression is like a fur coat. It's made of dead things but it keeps you warm.
It's hard to take off something that feels comforting, safe. Even when it's not.
Hours later, the vise grip around my lungs is finally letting loose. It's temporary. I'll take what I can get. 
And when I can't breath. When I can't function. Help is there. Even if it's an imaginary man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsegL1dgp2o