Darkness Descends

The darkness descends and overwhelms me. I remember the lose, the pain, the hurt. How many times have I been the one doing the breaking?
Right. So It's not the guys, but that means it's me. Can't really escape that. 
I'm with Payton Sawyer. People always leave. 
I've never maintained long term friendships. When I left my mill job I lost contact with all my "friends" there.
I expected it.
Same when I left my church. 
My best friends and I have been friends for 12 years. We are best friends, but we talk sporadically and see each other just as sporadically. I just desperately want a constant in my life. 
God is constant. I understand that. I just need something I can touch, feel, see. 
As I've missed ssm (stubborn soldier man) I've tried to turn that focus to my relationship with God. I should long to communicate with him as I miss communicating with ssm. 
I'm attempting to allow this to draw me closer to God. To drive me to prayer. 
Today. I'm feeling very lost. I know He'll find me.