Darkness descends again

And here's the crux of the matter. It was a good day. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. Why does the darkness descend? Why do I feel this aching hole in my chest?
God fills that. Right?
Why isn't filled?
What am I doing wrong?
Why can't I get it right?
Will I ever?
Why in the heck would anyone join this ride?
I'd get off if I could.
Can I get off? Please can I get off? 
It's no fun. I don't think it ever was. I guess in reality, that's not the point. 
I know the point. I get the point. I try to reach for and serve the point.
Yet I'm still here on the edge of this black hole.
Bleeding.
Broken.
Shattered.
Will the darkness ever lift?
Will the bleeding ever stop?
Shouldn't I eventually bleed out?









Broken glass cuts. Every. Single. Time. It cuts. 
#irisswiftdepression

HSSH

So not a lot to say today. I went over parents I guess I'll go over love number one.
We'll call him hssh, high school sweetheart.
We met my sophomore year, and quickly became an item. We dated for two and a half years, married, three years later had a child, and three years later we were divorced.
I'd never dated anyone before him. I mean I was only 15. I'd had "boyfriends" but nothing serious and nothing really in high school. I wan't part of the "in" crowd, or any crowd really. Not much has changed.
I didn't realize how controlling, and possessive he was. I guessed after living with my father, his behavior seemed normal. 
He also was never around. He didn't make time for me or my boy. Our marriage wasn't awful it just wasn't much of a marriage. 
I thought I'd forgiven him. I'm realizing there is still some anger and resentment. He made promises. He didn't keep them. I didn't either. 
There's really not much to say. The thing to say is the wounds are still bleeding. They shouldn't be. 
It's been 20 years. How do I stop the bleeding? 

I'm an idiot

I am such a fucking idiot.
Twenty questions wasn't real. Declared his love for me. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? We've been chatting about random stuff for two days and you love me.
This. THIS is why I'm single. 
No. Not because he's a liar and a sneak. That's just a fool using online resources to try to scam somebody. 
No, I'm single because I had FULL blown freaking panic attack this morning because I was worried about letting him down.
I conform. Conforming is bad. It's not healthy. I need to learn how to be me before I have someone else in my life.
I was angry. A true burning anger. I actually felt the heat. 
Maybe, just maybe, there is someone like him out there that is real. That truly cares. That wants to get to know me. Maybe:

Maybe one day I'll find the one that won't leave. Until then I will spew my vitriol here. 
And hopefully heal.

PANIC

Twenty questions fell off the map. I let it go. Chatted with some other people. Enjoyed my company. 
This morning I get this lovey dovey message.
I gasp. Wait a minute?
Didn't we discuss this. FRIENDSHIP. Do't be throwing that L word around.
I don't answer. I look at it and it terrifies me. 
I take a shower to get ready for the day. A song plays. I'm just thinking. It hits me. I'm acting like a three year old by not answering. I realize this will upset twenty questions. 
This brings me to my knees. Literally gasping for air. I can't let someone who I've chatted with for two days have this much control. I am having a full blown panic attack. On my knees, hyperventilating, sobbing. I can't afford this. I don't have time. We've got places to go. I manage to stand with difficulty. 
Then I imagine Elijah's arms going around me. Yep, I have an imaginary husband. He comforts me. Holds me, and I can breath. 
I man up and message twenty questions. He answers almost immediately. 
I'm not sure if more afraid he is real or not real. 
Hours later I can still barely breath. 
I am such a broken bleeding mess. Can I ever be fixed.

I can't make reality connect I push 'till I have nothing left But if we want to wake up Why we still singing these lullabies? I'll run in circles 'till I crash One day these steps will be my last But if we want to wake up Why we still singing these lullabies?

 Another line is "Depression is like a fur coat. It's made of dead things but it keeps you warm.
It's hard to take off something that feels comforting, safe. Even when it's not.
Hours later, the vise grip around my lungs is finally letting loose. It's temporary. I'll take what I can get. 
And when I can't breath. When I can't function. Help is there. Even if it's an imaginary man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsegL1dgp2o

Darkness Descends

The darkness descends and overwhelms me. I remember the lose, the pain, the hurt. How many times have I been the one doing the breaking?
Right. So It's not the guys, but that means it's me. Can't really escape that. 
I'm with Payton Sawyer. People always leave. 
I've never maintained long term friendships. When I left my mill job I lost contact with all my "friends" there.
I expected it.
Same when I left my church. 
My best friends and I have been friends for 12 years. We are best friends, but we talk sporadically and see each other just as sporadically. I just desperately want a constant in my life. 
God is constant. I understand that. I just need something I can touch, feel, see. 
As I've missed ssm (stubborn soldier man) I've tried to turn that focus to my relationship with God. I should long to communicate with him as I miss communicating with ssm. 
I'm attempting to allow this to draw me closer to God. To drive me to prayer. 
Today. I'm feeling very lost. I know He'll find me. 

The Danger

It's been an interesting few days. 
My toy still hasn't responded. Guess I'm going to delete him. Stinks, but it is what is. Found a new one. He was married. Gone. Found another. Oh my. This might be fun. We'll see.
Dumped, can I say I dumped if we weren't together?, stubborn soldier man. He decided once again to declare his undying love for me, and for some reason didn't understand why I didn't declare mine right back. We haven't talked for a few days so that's done. I was surprised that I missed him. I mean I was 75% sure he was a fake. There were three profiles that used the same picture. How dumb can I be? I realized I didn't miss him, but I missed the conservation. Having someone to check in with, and to check in on me. 
No biggie. He's replaced. I think this guy may be real. That scares the crap out of me. He asks a million questions, but he answers them about himself. We talk about normal stuff, and when he's at work we don't chat. He's being patient. Understands I'm just looking for friendship, I think. I'm terrified he's real, and that he's not. Updates later. It's only two days in.
The other morning this hit me between the eyes:

To be bold, to be brave;It is the thinking that the heart can still be saved And the darkness can come quick;The Danger's in the Anger and the hanging on to it. 

Nothing More The Alternate Routes

I thought I'd let go of the anger. I obviously Have not. Twenty questions said to me after I explained about my how I was treated in the past, Sorry about that okay, but life goes on still.
Oh. That pissed me off. But then it sunk in. Then this song played. I'm hanging on to the anger. It is dangerous. It colors everything I looked at. I let two bad apples make the entire batch bad, but I KNOW that's not true. Then I think no the two bad apples warped me. That's not good or right. It's time to quit hanging on to it. I'm a few steps closer. I had some good days. Twenty questions helps. Some other friends on my chatting app help. Today was a bad day. It is not so bad as it could've been though. I'll keep taking steps. Keep seeing progress. It may be slow, but at least it is progress.

Batting 1000

To be honest. I'm not 100% sure what that phrase means. I don't speak baseball. It was however the first phrase to come to my head when I got out of bed. 
Yep. Looks like insomnia strikes again. I caught two cat naps yesterday and then crashed at 10. I don't think I moved between ten and five when my alarm went off. Today was a good day. 
Then I came home.
Honestly nothing earth shattering at home.
There's this "Soldier" I met on this app. Widowed, child, orphaned and currently in Kabul, or so he says. To be honest I didn't believe him from day one, but he chatting was fun and lighthearted, most of the time, and it fulfilled my goal of having someone to talk to. Then a couple of things happened. First he kept trying to convince me he was in love and I was his world. Um, negative. Second two other profiles with the same pic he used came across to chat with me. The first time I blasted him, and called him a liar. He played the victim and I let it play out. I was playing a role and I enjoyed it. Judge me if you must. According to him he reported it to his general because it was a reoccurring problem. I won't even go into the fact that supposedly they were stationed together, but the stories I was getting weren't matching up. 
I never even mentioned the second profile I just chose not to chat.
Despite me continuing to tell him I was just looking for friendship he continued to declare his for me. Tonight it ended. I think. He started again and I hit back again. Evidently I've broken his heart. Ha.
Back on the site and a guy messages me and wants to know why I'm on a dating app if I'm not looking for love. It's not a dating app. Tells me I'm negative because I think there are guys out there lying and I think the only place to find love is the church. 
Like I said, batting a thousand.
Now I'm up again. I've got the feelings of insomnia hanging over my head. I don't think I can take another day of that. 
I'd said if I couldn't sleep last night I was going to exercise and wear my body out so hopefully that would put my mind to sleep. Guess I need to follow through on that. 
I'll just sit here wrapped up in my loneliness and negativity that I created by being human.
I just don't know any other way to be folks. I'm trying. I don't know what the world wants from me.

Exhaustion

So I slept all of about 2 hours last night. 
I'm so tired right now I'm not even sure why I'm typing. 
Maybe because I don't want to let progress slide.
I'm feeling a little lost and found all at the same time. 
I've been using an app to meet people. 
It's been interesting to say the least.
I've met countless "soldiers". American soldiers that are widowed with a child. All overseas and searching for love. Still chatting with one. Pretty sure he's lying, but I can play the game and fulfills a need. I deleted all the others relatively quickly. The English is what gets me. They say phrases in a way that no American would. 
This is where I met my new "toy" who immediately fell off the map though we seemed to click. That has frustrated me to no end. 
I've also found some guys that just were looking for a friend and its been great. Just chatting about life. Exactly what I'm looking for.
I've met a guy who seems nice but is about to have to look for a new job. He's at an age where that is difficult so I'm praying for him. 
I've met a girl who is unmedicated bipolar but is going back to therapy and trying to get back on track. I'm praying for her.
I've got a liar, a disappearing act, some new friends and some people to pray for.
Lost in exhaustion. Holding on to hope. Believing God is sovereign and has a plan.
That's where I am tonight.

Purpose

I believe in God. I believe He is sovereign. I believe he has a plan. How often do I look at it? How often do I look at the trail of brokenness within me and behind me and scream at the sky. WHY? How many times have I simply begged God to take away the pain. Please just take away the pain.
If God has a plan. If God knew each and everything that would happen on this planet BEFORE he said "Let their be light" Then he knew:
Who my parents were
Who my children's fathers were
Who I would choose for friends
How each of these people would impact my life. How long they would stay, when they would go, and how that would impact me.
If I believe that then I have to believe that there is a purpose to this pain. This depression. This brokenness. This inability to heal, to let go, to MOVE on.
Of course, my own selfish sin could be part of the problem.
He knows all about that too.
We're studying Ezekiel on Sunday mornings. Today our preacher talked about idols and the things we make idols. I've allowed my past, my injuries, my choices to become idols. 
I can't because...
This keeps me from being who He wants me to be.
Hopefully this verbal purge will help. 
Baby steps.
15 steps forward and 1 step back 15 times means I've actually moved forward 15 steps. Just gotta keep trying.
One step at a time.

Enough?

What would ever be enough? 
God should be enough.
Everything Jesus has done and is doing should be enough. 
It's not and that makes me so frustrated. 
That's got to be my fault, right? How can Father, Son, and Holy Spirit not be enough?
I would love for the bleeding to stop. If I'm being honest, and this is supposed to be that one place that I can be, I spend most days borderline suicidal. My love for my kids, and my God is what grounds me and keeps me here. I haven't attempted it in years. Not even seriously considered it but it's there.
I started this thing in the middle. Let's go back to the beginning.
I was one of those rare kids that grew up in a two parent home. Both my parents' backgrounds were screwed up. My Dad's more than my Mom's but I'm beginning to believe that she screwed me up more than he did. 
Mom: Two parent home. Average family. Both parents worked. Her father was an alcoholic. From what I've heard he wasn't a mean drunk but he stayed drunk. I was six when he went into recovery and he was a recovered alcoholic for the rest of his life. I love him. He was verbally abusive to my grandmother, I just didn't realize that till much later. My mom accepted it as normal. That leads to my Dad.
Dad: Two parent home, sorta. My dad is the second or third of five children. I've never been able to keep it straight. His father was a womanizer. I've recently learned my grandparents fought and broke up often. They divorced after child number four. He married had a child and the current wife and my grandmother were pregnant at the same time. He divorced her and remarried my grandmother. I've also recently learned my father cheated the entire time he was married to my mom. 
My father is a male chauvinist, control freak who was verbally and emotionally abusive. My mother took it all and never spoke up or defended anyone. Emotions weren't allowed in my home. Any. It just wasn't acceptable.
My mother is obsessed with looks and weight. She transferred this to me. I remember being as young as ten and dieting. I have never had a good body image.
I was also first born. I was the closest my father was going to get to a son and there were just simply different expectations. I'm not sure I have met them.
Between the two I came out of that home with zero self-esteem or self-respect. I can't imagine anyone wanting me. They might need me, but not want me. 
I suffer, and have for years, from depression. Sometimes extremely deep. This had led to weigh and hygiene issues. I'm 5'7" and weigh around 250. Most people are surprised. I carry it well. I have some good genes and look significantly younger than I am. I've been told 8-12 years younger. 
I neglected my teeth. It was the easiest hygiene to ignore without impact. Till now. I'm losing them. Not much I can do about it right now. I believe I do these things to keep anyone from looking too closely. If they don't look closely they won't see. If they can't see they can't like or dislike. Then I'm safe in my black hole of loneliness. Here I'll stay. 
I guess.
Because nothing is enough. I'll never, or I can't see my way to now, believe someone is legitimately interested in me and wants me.
The bleeding will not stop. Maybe, over time this will help.

Music. It is Life.

Lyrics, song, music. They speak to my soul. They say what I can't say. They make my breath literally catch in my lungs. Some times they tighten the vise grip around my lungs and sometimes they loosen them.
I love so many artists. Picking a favorite artist is impossible. Even narrowing a list to five is difficult. I have what I call a favorite song, but there are so many songs I love. 
Favorite Artists/Groups: Lifehouse, Skillet, Brad Paisley, Nickleback (yes I can feel the judgement but I truly don't care), Red, TobyMac, Alexander Desplat (instrumental but some of the most beautiful music ever written in my opinion) Flyleaf, Fireflight, Icon for Hire, 3 Doors Down, Casting Crowns, U2, Matchbox Twenty, GnR, Kenny Chesney, and George Strait.
Fave songs: Or some. No way I can make a complete list. Well I could but....
New Moon, New Moon (The Meadow) and Full Moon Alexander Desplat. Those piano keys make me catch my breath every single time I hear them. 
You Should Know Where I'm Coming From Banks the lyrics say it all. Run. I'm dangerous. You will get hurt if you get to close so I'm warning you now. Get out. Lyrics and Music are fabulous.
Pieces by Red I swear I literally stop breathing when those first notes come through my speakers. My pieces shred my fingers. I feel like I take them to God, He takes them, and some how they end up back in my hands slicing me up again. I realize this is my fault. (It just started playing. Oh my STARS. strings again. Holy Crow I'm not even to the words)
The theme from Angel. Those strings and the way they use them are powerful. I'd watch the show and pick up the remote to skip the beginning credits, I never did. The music was just to beautiful. Buffy totally got gipped on that one.
My current favorite is Too Many to Mend by Libby Weaver
That is truly what I feel like. There have been so many pieces ripped off me and I don't see any way to put them back together to make a whole. I never feel whole. I think I'd like to. I wish I could remember if I ever did. I'm so friggin messed up. I know this isn't what God has planned for me. I'm in this ever loving vicious cycle of knowing He can make me whole (as Pieces tells me)

You call my name I come to you in pieces So you can make me whole

This is what I know God wants but unfortunately I feel more like Too Many to Mend

It's not safe here anymoreThere's too much damage to ignoreI've spun in circles, I'm confusedIf no one wins, does no one lose?
We never learned to bendSo we break and break againAnd now we're broken inToo many pieces to mendToo many pieces to mend 

When I first found this song, I heard it in the background of a show, the lyric that caught my ear was If no one wins, does no one lose? Kind of a nice concept. It'd be nice to not lose. 
Oh well. I did lose. I have lost. I'm in this mess spun in circles and so very confused. There are pieces of me scattered hither, thither, and yonder and I don't know if I can ever collect enough to mend. 
Maybe someday I will mend.

A new Toy

So I found a new toy. Wish the toy was a little closer. I'm on this social app and came across a guy looking for a dominant woman. That world is something I've always, or at least for a very long time, fantasized about but haven't ever pursued. He's definitely right up my alley and I seem to be right up his.
I mean I totally get why I'm into it. Not sure about him but we honestly haven't done the whole share life stories thing. It is all about control. I don't feel like I've ever had it and being dominant gives me complete control.
I like control. I like the idea of having someone who I can pretty much control everything about.
What does that say about my brokenness? About my salvation? About my psyche?
I mean a true relationship would have to be in the bonds of marriage. I guess that sounds wacked out but still. It would be consensual so within the marriage I have no issue with it. Two grown people making a responsible decision. I'm cool with that. I know there's plenty that would disagree.
It all goes back to control. I want it. A submissive gives it.
Maybe just maybe. I can dream big. Who knows what's in store?
He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He begs. I like the begging. He wants me to be happy.
I like feeling happy.

Say

OneRepublic

Do you know where your heart is
Do you think you can find it
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it

Do you know where your love is
Do you think that you lost it
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you want it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold

Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

Do you know what your fate is
And are you trying to shake it
You're doing your best and
You're best look
You're praying that you'll make it

Ever hear lyrics and they just knock you between the eyes? That is normal for me. Even for a song that I've listened to over and over for months. That's what happened with this song. Right between the eyes this morning. Did you trade it for something, somewhere?

Yes. Yes I think I did. I'm not real sure what I traded it for but I'm pretty sure I lost it. Wonder if it will ever come back?

Darkness One

This is not intended to be a happy place. I have realized that I'm carrying wounds. Wounds I thought were healed and scarred over but they are still bleeding. My goal is to purge. To have a safe place to share all the yuck and junk. To see my flaws. To see the truth. To hopefully, finally heal. I'm a Christian which will shock some. I know God is the Great Physician. I know He loves me and can heal me. At the same time sometimes I don't believe He loves me, and I never feel healed. I feel like I chose my chains. I know that's wrong, but I don't know how not to. 
I am not using my real name because I need to purge. I don't need judgement. I am who I am and I am trying my best to be better. That's the end goal. To heal and let God work through me. 
First somehow. Some way I've got to stop the bleeding. 
If you find this great. If it helps you, great. This is however a totally selfish endeavor.
Welcome to the Darkness. Maybe we'll find the light.