It is a little hard for me to believe it has been two months since I posted.
Some has been because I was busy and all was well.
Some has been because I wasn't busy and I wasn't well.
Lots has been floating around my head, I just haven't had the energy to share.
I found a list "you'll be okay" playlist.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8b/2b/fd/8b2bfdb8a38c4e91c14e3783d233fca4.jpg
I figured that I wouldn't like all the songs, I didn't, but it couldn't hurt. I did like most of them and made a playlist. One song really resonated. Flares by the Script
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OojKI0DpodU
I was in a pretty bad place when I found this song. There was someone in my life who I considered a Flare. He brought hope, light, life, and laughter to me. He made me want to open my heart, and believe in a future. And then he was gone and all I could see was darkness. I felt like there was still a sting in my eyes from the brilliance of the flare and now I was blinded. It hurt. I felt even more broken than before.
Then I started looking around my life.
My kids (the ones I gave birth to) are certainly flares. They amaze me, love me, and try to keep me straight.
My Punk, my girl child God gave me in a different way, has brought light and laughter to my heart and life for years. Now she's given me my first grandchild.
My kids at church are bright and frequent flares. They teach me so much more than I teach them. Their hugs and screams of Momma Iris brighten my heart and day.
My school kids give me a reason to get up and drag myself to work everyday.
God has been shooting flares all along. They never go away.
Yes they are brief. Yes they go out and leave darkness. Yes they light the path and give me direction.
I can focus on the darkness or I can focus on the light.
On the good days I see the light.
On the bad days I wallow in the darkness.
Today is mediocre. I sit in the darkness and see the light.
Oh, and the first flare. My Cadmus. He is back. He is unwell. Distance makes it hard. However, when I push he gives me space, and when I let him back in, he always comes back. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm grateful to have him when I do.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
One foot in front of the other.
Momma came tonight. I'm pretty sure it's sad that I dread her visits. So does my sister.
I was thinking about her coming and thought I have to text my friend and let him know we can't talk because my mother requires a lot of attention.
Crap.
That's exactly how I am. I require a LOT of attention. It's scary how much. I try to keep it under wraps but I know.
When I freak out because not many people read this post.
Or I don't have likes on my Facebook or Instagram posts.
Or I can see you have been on the messaging app but you haven't looked at or answered my message.
I am just like my mother.
Crap.
She makes sure you know she's hurting or if she's done something for you.
I try not to to do that buy I know I do.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want my kids to dread visiting me. Or worry about leaving their kids with me. I want to be better. Well, better than her.
At this point I have no interest in getting better.
If I had a heart attack tomorrow that would be just fine with me.
To top it off I'm tired.
So very, extremely, beyond tired.
And I don't know why.
Is it because my period is about to start?
Or because last week was so stressful?
Maybe because I started last week by going 40 hours without sleep.
Possibly simply because I'm depressed.
Then there's a chance it is a combination of them all.
I don't know. I just know that I am beyond bone tired.
I wonder what would happen if life threw me some true curve balls?
Like real tragedy?
I think I would let them hit me and then curl up in a ball.
I just don't have the strength to make the effort to survive.
I truly believe God knows that and that's why they don't come my way.
I'm so close to laying down and giving up and He knows that would push me over the edge.
Instead I keep plodding. One foot in front of the other. Still riding this ride I hate.
I was thinking about her coming and thought I have to text my friend and let him know we can't talk because my mother requires a lot of attention.
Crap.
That's exactly how I am. I require a LOT of attention. It's scary how much. I try to keep it under wraps but I know.
When I freak out because not many people read this post.
Or I don't have likes on my Facebook or Instagram posts.
Or I can see you have been on the messaging app but you haven't looked at or answered my message.
I am just like my mother.
Crap.
She makes sure you know she's hurting or if she's done something for you.
I try not to to do that buy I know I do.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want my kids to dread visiting me. Or worry about leaving their kids with me. I want to be better. Well, better than her.
At this point I have no interest in getting better.
If I had a heart attack tomorrow that would be just fine with me.
To top it off I'm tired.
So very, extremely, beyond tired.
And I don't know why.
Is it because my period is about to start?
Or because last week was so stressful?
Maybe because I started last week by going 40 hours without sleep.
Possibly simply because I'm depressed.
Then there's a chance it is a combination of them all.
I don't know. I just know that I am beyond bone tired.
I wonder what would happen if life threw me some true curve balls?
Like real tragedy?
I think I would let them hit me and then curl up in a ball.
I just don't have the strength to make the effort to survive.
I truly believe God knows that and that's why they don't come my way.
I'm so close to laying down and giving up and He knows that would push me over the edge.
Instead I keep plodding. One foot in front of the other. Still riding this ride I hate.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
You're okay, until you're not
Been pretty quiet here. There are a number of reasons for that.
1) I was doing okay. Not great or perfect or anything. But pretty even keeled.
2) Life happens and it has been pretty busy
The it happened. Cadmus went there. Again. There is no point in going there. He said he didn't know what to do. I said stop talking. He said that wasn't an option.
Barely 24 hours later it happened.
One message sent.
No answer.
Second message sent.
No answer.
Third sent.
No Answer.
So I let it be. Tried to pretend I didn't care.
I was busy and exhausted on day two. Literally fell into bed when I walked in the house.
Day three I had nothing to do. I brooded. I struggled. Finally I sent a final message with the exact same message in an email. The gist was in 24 hours I'm deleting you from the app.
I didn't actually wait 24 hours. On the app you can see when a person connects and whether or not they have read your messages. I could see he had been on and had not read my messages.
I deleted him from the app.
I deleted the folder that had our messages from my email.
I deleted the folder we shared in dropbox.
And then I cried.
And I cried.
I had to pack to go on a trip the next day, and go shopping for some things I needed. It was so hard to function normally.
I was finally packed and ready to go a little after 11. I went to bed.
And cried.
I got up read, tried to relax. I went back to bed.
It physically hurt to try to lay there.
I cried.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I was leaving the next day for a week long construction mission trip.
It was a five hour drive, and I was driving.
I couldn't change the departure time. I honestly don't think that would have mattered. I was no where near sleep at any point.
So I hurt.
I would think of things to tell him.
Or that he would worry that I wasn't sleeping. Or eating right. Or working too hard.
And it hurt.
Every time I got an email I jumped.
Every. Single. Time.
So after a full seven days I sent an email. I told him exactly how messed up I was and it was his fault.
And he answered. Said he was in the hospital, again, and the person that took him had his phone, that was who had been his app, and he was so sorry. I was incapable of dealing with him at that time and told him so. He said it was late and he would message me soon.
Evidently my definition of soon and his don't live on the same planet because it has been 48 hours.
Here's the thing.
It's okay to need someone. Not in a love relationship way necessarily though certainly that is okay too, but just for support.
You just have to be careful who you choose.
It is also not weak to admit to yourself that you need someone or care about them.
It. Is. OKAY!
That said, I'm still not okay.
Let me rephrase that.
I'm more not okay than normal, because I am never okay.
And to steal a line from Icon for Hire, I'm not alright and for night that's alright.
It has to be because its the best I've got.
Be careful who you trust your pieces with when you don't have any to spare.
1) I was doing okay. Not great or perfect or anything. But pretty even keeled.
2) Life happens and it has been pretty busy
The it happened. Cadmus went there. Again. There is no point in going there. He said he didn't know what to do. I said stop talking. He said that wasn't an option.
Barely 24 hours later it happened.
One message sent.
No answer.
Second message sent.
No answer.
Third sent.
No Answer.
So I let it be. Tried to pretend I didn't care.
I was busy and exhausted on day two. Literally fell into bed when I walked in the house.
Day three I had nothing to do. I brooded. I struggled. Finally I sent a final message with the exact same message in an email. The gist was in 24 hours I'm deleting you from the app.
I didn't actually wait 24 hours. On the app you can see when a person connects and whether or not they have read your messages. I could see he had been on and had not read my messages.
I deleted him from the app.
I deleted the folder that had our messages from my email.
I deleted the folder we shared in dropbox.
And then I cried.
And I cried.
I had to pack to go on a trip the next day, and go shopping for some things I needed. It was so hard to function normally.
I was finally packed and ready to go a little after 11. I went to bed.
And cried.
I got up read, tried to relax. I went back to bed.
It physically hurt to try to lay there.
I cried.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I was leaving the next day for a week long construction mission trip.
It was a five hour drive, and I was driving.
I couldn't change the departure time. I honestly don't think that would have mattered. I was no where near sleep at any point.
So I hurt.
I would think of things to tell him.
Or that he would worry that I wasn't sleeping. Or eating right. Or working too hard.
And it hurt.
Every time I got an email I jumped.
Every. Single. Time.
So after a full seven days I sent an email. I told him exactly how messed up I was and it was his fault.
And he answered. Said he was in the hospital, again, and the person that took him had his phone, that was who had been his app, and he was so sorry. I was incapable of dealing with him at that time and told him so. He said it was late and he would message me soon.
Evidently my definition of soon and his don't live on the same planet because it has been 48 hours.
Here's the thing.
It's okay to need someone. Not in a love relationship way necessarily though certainly that is okay too, but just for support.
You just have to be careful who you choose.
It is also not weak to admit to yourself that you need someone or care about them.
It. Is. OKAY!
That said, I'm still not okay.
Let me rephrase that.
I'm more not okay than normal, because I am never okay.
And to steal a line from Icon for Hire, I'm not alright and for night that's alright.
It has to be because its the best I've got.
Be careful who you trust your pieces with when you don't have any to spare.
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Sleep Deprivation
What does a person suffering from depression need most?
I mean other than a cure all drug of course.
Sleep. Escape.
It is completely messed up that one of the side effects of depression is insomnia.
I'm doing good to get four hours lately.
Whether I can't go to sleep or I go to sleep and wake up insanely early.
Or both.
I'm running on four hours. I could probably go back to sleep, now, except I can't.
The alarm has already gone off and I have somewhere to be this morning.
I HATE this.
I hate being me.
I hate that it literally hurts to breathe.
Like it physically hurts.
It cracks me up when I can't tell if I can't breathe because of allergies or depression.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference.
It hurts to function.
To be alive.
And that just sucks.
There aren't any options.
At least no good ones.
Keep riding this stupid ride.
In circles.
Not sleeping.
Eating crap.
Suffering.
Until.....
I mean other than a cure all drug of course.
Sleep. Escape.
It is completely messed up that one of the side effects of depression is insomnia.
I'm doing good to get four hours lately.
Whether I can't go to sleep or I go to sleep and wake up insanely early.
Or both.
I'm running on four hours. I could probably go back to sleep, now, except I can't.
The alarm has already gone off and I have somewhere to be this morning.
I HATE this.
I hate being me.
I hate that it literally hurts to breathe.
Like it physically hurts.
It cracks me up when I can't tell if I can't breathe because of allergies or depression.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference.
It hurts to function.
To be alive.
And that just sucks.
There aren't any options.
At least no good ones.
Keep riding this stupid ride.
In circles.
Not sleeping.
Eating crap.
Suffering.
Until.....
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Healing in the darkness
I'm in an okay place.
At the same time, I think maybe I am numb.
Cadmus disappeared for a little over 24 hours.
I cared, but at the same time I didn't. I like him, sure, but I like PapaK, and Styx just as much.
This is why I don't let people in.
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel. I don't feel. Letting you in is dangerous because I can put on a good show, but do I ever really feel anything?
Sometimes I don't think so.
I can act happy.
I can act like I care.
But do I really.
I honestly don't think so.
I think I push them away for their own safety. I act like it's for me.
And then it is for me.
Acting is hard.
Acting is exhausting.
Acting is foolish.
I don't know any other way to be.
So I am poison.
So I hurt you.
So I hurt me.
And then I'm numb.
Is numb good or bad?
At this point I honestly don't know.
No more friends.
No more relationships.
It's just not worth the effort and most days I just don't have it to put in.
I might cry if you walk away.
I might break my heart if you walk away.
But in the end I know that I will be fine.
In the end I know that I will keep going.
There is no choice.
There aren't options.
Don't come.
Don't go.
It doesn't matter.
I'll just keep riding the ride.
Because there is not other option.
Let the black hole win.
At least it is comfortable there.
Let it suck the hurt, the pain, the good, the bad, all of it. It is indifferent.
Maybe just maybe the black hole is healing.
At the same time, I think maybe I am numb.
Cadmus disappeared for a little over 24 hours.
I cared, but at the same time I didn't. I like him, sure, but I like PapaK, and Styx just as much.
This is why I don't let people in.
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel. I don't feel. Letting you in is dangerous because I can put on a good show, but do I ever really feel anything?
Sometimes I don't think so.
I can act happy.
I can act like I care.
But do I really.
I honestly don't think so.
I think I push them away for their own safety. I act like it's for me.
And then it is for me.
Acting is hard.
Acting is exhausting.
Acting is foolish.
I don't know any other way to be.
So I am poison.
So I hurt you.
So I hurt me.
And then I'm numb.
Is numb good or bad?
At this point I honestly don't know.
No more friends.
No more relationships.
It's just not worth the effort and most days I just don't have it to put in.
I might cry if you walk away.
I might break my heart if you walk away.
But in the end I know that I will be fine.
In the end I know that I will keep going.
There is no choice.
There aren't options.
Don't come.
Don't go.
It doesn't matter.
I'll just keep riding the ride.
Because there is not other option.
Let the black hole win.
At least it is comfortable there.
Let it suck the hurt, the pain, the good, the bad, all of it. It is indifferent.
Maybe just maybe the black hole is healing.
Monday, June 4, 2018
No clue
Been pretty quiet. It's actually kinda been okay.
And then I'm not.
Why am I on this app again?
To make friends.
Surely, surely I can connect over music, right?
I sent my ten cds, that is what the bottle asked.
He sends me his first four. I responded to each. Asked if he listened to mine and then hit delete.
Excuse me. What?
And I'm spiraling again.
So stupid.
So dumb.
Cadmus is there. He is always there.
He refuses to leave me or let me push him away.
I would walk away from everything.
I'd RUN.
Heck. Let's be honest. I'd give up life.
I'm so exhausted from the roller coaster.
There's no hope for better.
We just keep riding this stupid merry-go-round.
No choice.
No fun.
Guess we'll just keep riding.
And then I'm not.
Why am I on this app again?
To make friends.
Surely, surely I can connect over music, right?
I sent my ten cds, that is what the bottle asked.
He sends me his first four. I responded to each. Asked if he listened to mine and then hit delete.
Excuse me. What?
And I'm spiraling again.
So stupid.
So dumb.
Cadmus is there. He is always there.
He refuses to leave me or let me push him away.
I would walk away from everything.
I'd RUN.
Heck. Let's be honest. I'd give up life.
I'm so exhausted from the roller coaster.
There's no hope for better.
We just keep riding this stupid merry-go-round.
No choice.
No fun.
Guess we'll just keep riding.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Cadmus, WHY?
I DID NOT want him to go there. I'd been avoiding going there, but NO he drug us into that relationship discussion that I was so not ready to have.
I like him. A lot. I may be a romantic, but there's a true realist living in this body. There is very little point in loving someone that lives 20 hour flight away half the year, and 1000 plus miles the rest of the year.
He makes me laugh and smile more than anyone I can think of.
He knows the craziest random facts. And shares them. I always imagine with a completely straight face if we are in person. Not sure how you can talk about leprechauns with a straight face but I think he would pull it off.
He worries about my sleep, my eating, and my depression.
When I say I need space, he gives it.
When I push back he lets me, but then asks why.
He knows more intimate details of my depression and my thoughts. It's easy to share online. He never judges. Gives me too much credit. Too much benefit of the doubt.
BUT he is thousands of miles away all year.
We both deserve more than part time, long distance.
Where does that leave us.
Me to worry. Him to sleep. It's 2am there.
I don't know what will happen if I lose him, but I don't know how not too.
Can we stay balanced now that it's out there or will I be broken again.
Remind me again why I started on this app?
Many have come and gone. Out of all I guess four have hurt.
SSM - even when I knew he wasn't real, I wanted him to be.
toy one - Just stopped. No warning. I hit delete. I hit delete because it hurt to see it there.
Corey - I guess I can take the blame there. I again hit delete, and I told him to run. How can I be upset he listened?
Winged tat - that still aches. We were so very good together. Or so I thought. But he hit delete with no warning at all.
Where does that leave me at Cadmus? I honestly don't know.
Terrified. Absolutely terrified. Except I'm not. I'm numb.
Damn it. I am numb.
What does that mean.
That I care?
That I don't?
That it is ALL an act on my part?
God help me. Who else am I going to break?
I'm not well.
I'm not safe.
I'm toxic.
I'm poison.
They SHOuLD all RUN.
Heck, you should run.
Can I run? Oh PLEASE! Can there be some ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!
There isn't for me. Is it fair to drag someone else into the black hole?
Even if they've been warned?
I'm so friggin SCREWED!
I like him. A lot. I may be a romantic, but there's a true realist living in this body. There is very little point in loving someone that lives 20 hour flight away half the year, and 1000 plus miles the rest of the year.
He makes me laugh and smile more than anyone I can think of.
He knows the craziest random facts. And shares them. I always imagine with a completely straight face if we are in person. Not sure how you can talk about leprechauns with a straight face but I think he would pull it off.
He worries about my sleep, my eating, and my depression.
When I say I need space, he gives it.
When I push back he lets me, but then asks why.
He knows more intimate details of my depression and my thoughts. It's easy to share online. He never judges. Gives me too much credit. Too much benefit of the doubt.
BUT he is thousands of miles away all year.
We both deserve more than part time, long distance.
Where does that leave us.
Me to worry. Him to sleep. It's 2am there.
I don't know what will happen if I lose him, but I don't know how not too.
Can we stay balanced now that it's out there or will I be broken again.
Remind me again why I started on this app?
Many have come and gone. Out of all I guess four have hurt.
SSM - even when I knew he wasn't real, I wanted him to be.
toy one - Just stopped. No warning. I hit delete. I hit delete because it hurt to see it there.
Corey - I guess I can take the blame there. I again hit delete, and I told him to run. How can I be upset he listened?
Winged tat - that still aches. We were so very good together. Or so I thought. But he hit delete with no warning at all.
Where does that leave me at Cadmus? I honestly don't know.
Terrified. Absolutely terrified. Except I'm not. I'm numb.
Damn it. I am numb.
What does that mean.
That I care?
That I don't?
That it is ALL an act on my part?
God help me. Who else am I going to break?
I'm not well.
I'm not safe.
I'm toxic.
I'm poison.
They SHOuLD all RUN.
Heck, you should run.
Can I run? Oh PLEASE! Can there be some ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!
There isn't for me. Is it fair to drag someone else into the black hole?
Even if they've been warned?
I'm so friggin SCREWED!
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